BUGGY CREEK, GA — A Bigfoot fan has come forward to reveal the Bigfoot weight-loss plan he discovered!
“I’ve been a Bigfoot fan all my life,” video¬game designer Norman Chalmers told Weekly World News. “I’ve tried for years to meet him without luck. After your paper revealed that Bigfoot spends the winter sequestered in his native wetlands, I headed south myself.”
Deep in the Okeefenokee Swamp, the vacationing Chalmers set up base camp.
“After a few days of seeing nothing but alligators and snakes, I was getting pretty discouraged,” he said. “As I was about to pack it in, I heard a savage bellow erupt from the cypress grove. I scampered up a tree to hide. Though I wanted to try and communicate with the elusive creature, I also didn’t want to surprise or antagonize him.
“Pushing through thick brush, Bigfoot emerged into the sun-dappled grove,” Chalmers went on. “But this was not the slender, muscular Bigfoot I’d seen in photos. Oh no. His gut was enormous! Like the rest of us, Bigfoot had evidently indulged in a little too much holiday cheer, eating wild turkey and raw sweet potatoes and packing on pounds.
“However, as I watched, he suddenly grunted loudly, bent over, and touched his massive toes. Then he did it again. It took me a few moments to realize that Bigfoot was exercising!
“First he did a toe-touching, backbone stretching routine — not unlike Pilates or yoga. After limbering up, Bigfoot really got to work. He did a series of roundhouse kicks that culminated in him felling a mangrove with a mighty blow. He slid the fallen tree into the swamp. As it floated there, the hairy giant jumped onto the log and began rolling it, waving his arms to keep his balance, going faster and faster until he was breathing hard. Finally, his thick legs were so exhausted he just fell in.
“After shaking his fur dry, Bigfoot began sniffing around a rock pile,” Chalmers continued. “Finding the biggest, heaviest stone, he hoisted it over his head several times. His arms trembled more and more with each thrust. Then, when his biceps were fluttering like monster hummingbirds, Bigfoot heaved the boulder into the bog with a splash!
“Unfortunately, that riled a napping alligator, which scuttled ashore, charging the creature who had disrupted his sleep. Bigfoot welcomed the challenge. As the enraged carnivore leapt at him, Bigfoot grabbed it by the tail, swung it overhead like an Olympic hammer, and slammed it to the ground! Then he wrestled the dazed creature into a scissors hold, locking it tight between his furry thighs. Bigfoot continued to loosen, then tighten his grip. He did this over two dozen times before releasing the alligator, which fled.
“Then Bigfoot took a well-deserved snack break. I thought he’d head to the nearest chicken coop but instead he nibbled on a handful of healthy, low-calorie swamp berries. After that, he plucked a minty green leaf from the shore, chewing it like chaw. The leaf must have been an appetite suppressant because I didn’t see Bigfoot eat again.”
Sated, Bigfoot looked up at the sun and abruptly ambled in the direction of Buggy Creek. The timid Chalmers slid from his tree-top perch and followed the shaggy behemoth at a safe distance. The giant might be overweight, but he could still snap a man like a pretzel stick.
“Bigfoot brazenly power-walked under a sign that said Joe Buck’s Turtle Farm. There, he leaned all four hundred and fifty pounds onto the rear of Mr. Buck’s pickup. The axles groaned something fierce. Within seconds, angry Bucks poured from the house.
“At once, Bigfoot broke into a run,” Chalmers said, “those immense, hairy legs propelling his ample girth. The farmer and his sons followed, cursing in his wake as he disappeared into the thick morass. I later learned that since Thanksgiving, Bigfoot had been doing a ‘redneck run’ like this every day at noon.
“I stayed in the area another two weeks,” Chalmers recalled. “I didn’t see him again ’til I was breaking camp. I heard squawking in the distance and saw Bigfoot chasing geese! At first I wasn’t sure if it was the same Bigfoot. But I checked the markings on the fur against photos I’d taken. It was him all right. He’d lost all that excess weight — more than sixty pounds! Bigfoot was lithe again, his toned muscles rippling through tawny fur.”
Returning home, Chalmers decided to follow in the rather large footsteps of his hero. “I joined a gym and hit it hard, just like Bigfoot,” he said. “Next time we meet, I might be fast enough to catch him!”