The Weekly World News brings you a list of this year’s resolutions from America’s Favorite Mutant, Bat Boy.
1. Don’t get arrested. Bat Boy has a long history with the law. In years past bat Boy has stolen a car, led authorities on a multi-state high speed chase, and prompted the dispatching of the National Guard. Usually he commits these felonies without meaning to. While currently he is only wanted in 4 states, those states are out of the way and easy to avoid.
2. Always say ‘Please’.
3. Stop breaking into the White House. Bat Boy has broken into the White House 7 times since the Obamas took office. Typically it is because he wants to play catch with the President, or see if Sasha and Malia can come out to play. One time it was to see Michelle Obama because he had a bad dream.
4. Don’t drive. Bat Boy is only a child, yet on several occasions he has been found behind the wheel of a car, usually to disastrous results. This year Bat Boy is making a pledge to not panic and think before he solves a situation by getting into whatever car is closest and driving away.
5. Watch his diet. Being a half bat mutant, Bat Boy only eats mosquitoes. Last month he gave himself a bad tummy ache from eating too many chocolate covered mosquitoes at once. In the coming year he hopes to remember that chocolate covered mosquitoes are just a sometimes food.
6. Clean out the cave more. No one is actually expecting the little mutant boy to live up to this one, but it’s worth a try.
7. Stop watching Pretty Little Liars series. Bat Boy is a huge PLL fan. He has read his personal copies of the books more than a dozen times and is obsessed with the show – especially Lucy Hale. He recognizes he needs to stop doing that so much.
8. Don’t be scared of the Pope. For some reason one of the few things that frightens the mutant child is the Pope. For some reason the combination of old man, shiny costumes, and big hats scares Bat Boy to no end. In the coming year he hopes to remember that the Pope is just a nice old man, and not run screaming from pictures of him.