HANOVER, NH – Steven Tyler is leaving Aerosmith. He is doing so after losing a duel with Joe Perry.
Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler has admitted he is leaving the band to persue “other projects.” Insiders confirm that he is leaving after losing a duel with Joe Perry earlier this week. Perry was challenged to a duel after saying that Tyler is beginnign to show his 180 years of age.
The band Aerosmith was formed in Boston, 1970. However Steven Tyler, Joe Perry, and Tom Hamilton have been playing together since the 1850s. While touring the south with their original band “Mr. Tyler’s Feelgood Ragtime Band” the trio came across the Fountain of Youth.
Using the fountain’s powers the trio stayed alive and continued to make music into the 20th century. In the late 80’s Tyler lost the land rights to the fountain in a deal with Geffen records, and has since slowly begun to show his age. Hamilton and Perry have begun aging as well, albeit more slowly due to the regular use of moisturizer.
In a private recording studio earlier this week Joe Perry warned Tyler against touring again, saying that his appearance was starting to raise suspicion. Tyler called Perry a “scallywag” and demanded he take the comment back. Perry refused, saying “I shall not sir, for by my honor it is the truth.” Tyler removed his beaded scarf and slapped Perry in the face with it “Then we shall settle this like gentlemen! Good day sir!” The challenge was set and the two were to duel at dawn the following day with pistols, with their roadies acting as seconds.
Dawn the following day the two men met on the great lawn of Tyler’s ranch. The terms were set, if Perry won Tyler would leave the band and they would continue to tour unimpeded. If Tyler won he would continue as frontman, with a rewrite to their rider taking away Perry’s beloved stinking cheeses and promising Tyler regular botox injections. At the ranch, Perry provided his family’s dueling pistols. According to custom each man stood facing apart, took several steps, turned, and fired. Tyler’s shot was wildly off, owing in no small part to having received a glass eye in Saigon. Perry shot Steven’s left earring off, drawing first blood and winning the duel.
Keeping their agreement Aerosmith has begun looking for a replacement singer. Steven Tyler has said he will either work on a solo album, or retire to the country to write poetry.