DETROIT, MI – North Carolina wins the NCAA Basketball Championship. Broadcast interruption sparked riots in small towns across the country.
Coach Roy Williams led North Carolina’s Tarheels to victory last night, beating Michigan State 89 to 72. This is their second championship in five years.
Throughout the course of the evening broadcast was interrupted in small towns throughout the country. Reception would falter or go out entirely during particularly dramatic moments in the game. Large sections rural Indiana lost reception entirely. Riots ensued.
Street signs were torn down, cars overturned, and bonfires set in regions where the Basketball Championship was blacked out last night. Technical help lines were flooded with frantic calls, but no technical reasons could be given for the interruption. People flooded electronics stores, hoping a television would be on and showing the game, then destroying everything in their path when it was not. Sports bars in Indiana, Michigan, both Carolinas, and Illinois quickly turned to violence and pagan sacrifice.
One Indiana family, who lost reception shortly before halftime, built a large wicker man on their front lawn and set fire to it hoping this would appease whatever gods were listening. Across the American farm belt livestock was sacrificed in front of television sets by desperate sports fans. Residents of a South Carolina mill town burned down half of the downtown area before riot police reminded them that Dancing with the Stars was still on.
In Chapel Hill North Carolina, students from the tech department created a receiver which was able to pick up broadcasts of the game coming from Japan. Punctuated by commercials for unusual game shows, the game came in loud and clear to a jubilant student body. Once the game was won thousands of ecstatic students poured onto Franklin Street in downtown Chapel Hill, where fires were set and cars destroyed but this time out of happiness.
No definitive evidence has yet been given for the sporadic interruption of service. Some are claiming it is part of a government mind control experiment. Others believe it may be a cruel joke played by Ted Turner. One source, who wished to remain anonymous, said that the ruling body of the Illuminati are big Michigan State fans.