PORT SAINT LUCIE, FL – Gangs are springing up in Wal-Marts around the country, but shoppers continue to risk it in search of good deals.
Gangs have recently been discovered which operate entirely within Wal-Mart stores. They have been seen attacking shoppers; taking their unpurchased items, stealing the wheels off their carts, or spray-painting their tags on customers. A few brave souls have sent warnings via text message or email to friends and family.
Henry Devino, a Massachusetts contractor, was assaulted just last week. After turning the corner into the wrong aisle, Mr. Devino was attacked. He was later found in the fabric section, caulked to a wall with Spongebob underpants over his eyes ($3.99) and bruises in the shape of a Tottino’s hard salami ($2.99).
“It was scary, but I’ll probably be coming back. In times like this, how can you say no to those prices?”
In places like Port Saint Lucie, Florida, Burlington, Vermont, and Stamford, Connecticut, shoppers are on high alert. Greeters in some stores have begun handing out Kevlar vests to women and children entering the store.
The gangs are believed to have originated with children and the elderly who became lost in the superstores and forgotten. Banding together for protection, they grew up and learned to survive in the tough aisles of Wal-Mart.
Given the massive size of most Wal-Mart superstores, the gangs are able to easily evade detection for weeks at a time.
A special Wal-Mart police force was called in at one store, resulting in a shoot-out in the linen section which claimed four lives and tens of dollars in ruined merchandise.
Police are issuing warnings of the Wal-Mart Gang initiation: the Big Rollback. The initiation involves a stolen chainsaw, riding lawnmower and several gallons of vegetable oil. After cutting a couch in half the initiate will do donuts in the riding lawn mower on an oil slicked floor, before disappearing back into the superstore.
Wow, crazy stuff…. I heard this stupidity all the way here in British Columbia Canada. A friend of mine at work got a text message from a friend warning people not to shop at walmart due to a gang going to kill three women….. nothing but a hoax… amazing to see just how far something like this can go… kinda creepy!
this blog my not be totally true but there are things going on in walmart. in beloit wi and janesville wi ppl were shot on friday and its all over the place weather or not its gang related who knows but something is going on…..
IT'S a JOKEEE dont worry people!! COME ONE!!1 How gullable!
Well, your comment was GOOD UNTIL you started the mofo and the wishing the writer to be shot…. YOU should seek forgivness form something higher!
SOME ONE JUST GOT SHOT IN MUSKEGON MICHIGAN LAST NIGHT
WHAT EVER YOUR LYING
Only in the USA ,You guys are brain washed, THINK ABOUT IT BEFORE YOU PUT YOUR FINGERS TO WORK, To the rest of the world it just makes you sound real DUM…..
WOW! I always thought something was going on in Wal-Mart! Maybe that's why the employees always run from you when you try to get help!
I can't believe this is happening, What am i gonna do now? It looks like my days of getting great bargains is over.
This is true! Me and my friends Timmy and Ed own the video game aisle. If you try to bump us
off the free game consoles, we will squirt you with a Heinz 24 ounce ketchup bottle ($2.19). If you
still bother us, we will strap you to a shopping cart and wheel you into the adult diaper section
where then you can deal with the Granny and Grampa gang.
we all need to learn to live with what is giving to us.
shut up. ya because the bible tells me so.
the bible also says if your gay, surprise!!! your going to hell so second chance unless you pretend to be something your not
whats walmart do like….they sell wall stuff there
-paris hilton
My gang is moving over to K-Mart. That's where all the people who are afraid of Wal Mart are shopping now. So look out old people in your scooters, YOU CAN'T OUT RUN US!!!!!
Kids, put on your bullet-proof vests, we're going to walmart. Word to your mother (but only in the privacy of the bathroom stall….so the gangs don't hear).
Have some of you never read WWN?! Do you not understand the premise? It's like the Onion, only it's been out longer, you had to pay for it, and now it's not printed anymore.
It's a JOKE – like, on purpose.
Humor… it's so subjective.
i went to wal-mart the other day looking for some hookers in the aisle corners but then the wal-mart gang came outa nowhere and stole at least $33.78 worth of groceries this is a REAL threat to american grocery shoppers everywhere and we must do somthing about it..they have even been seen using watercups in the McDs to get free soda and then refill them some more
Gangs formed after June, 3 09 will fall under the economic stimulus package and will be eligible for Miley Cyrus steel jacketed ammo.
Actually Wal-Mart already has an official name for those gangs, they’re called “Employees”.
Just beware of the “Greeters”, those guys are hardcore old school yo.
well, Wal mart gangs are just rookies, here in Iowa the Target mob charges you 2% more in sales tax or you cannot leave the store. FBI has been investigating but apparently every time they catch someone they have to be released due to diplomatic inmunity.
This is not a joke. I lost a close friend when she went down the housewares isle during a gangland dispute. The frozen food mafia was fighting the ladies undergarment 510's. Please be careful when shopping.
THIS SITE SUCKS WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH A TWILIGHT PARTY REALLY? WHAT A WASTE OF TIME!
Great blog! Sorry to change the subject, but, since Nashville is getting a lot of press lately, I’m looking for a great Nashville sushi restaurant or Japanese restaurant. Have you read any recent buzz? There’s a new one called Nomzilla Sushi Et Cetera, but I’ve only seen a few reviews. Here’s the address of this new Nashville Japanese Restaurant, 1201 Villa Place, Suite 101 Nashville, TN 37212 – (615) 268-1424. Thoughts? Thanks!