TOPEKA, KA – March Madness has already claimed its first victim this year.
NCAA basketball is about to enter its final tournament. Daniel Goldschling, an accounts manager from Kawnee, Kansas, was the first person to succumb to March Madness.
Going over statistics and probabilities for the perfect entry to win an office pool, Goldschling’s mind snapped. His is the first case in what is expected to be a heavy March Madness season.
Given the financial climate, the stress to win extra money with office pools is greater than ever. Experts from the National Health Association are forecasting a sharp rise this year, up from last year’s record setting 63 cases of basketball induced dementia. They advise college basketball fans to relax, and wait an hour after eating to attempt any complex math.
The first documented cases of March Madness were Marcus Brutus and Gaius Cassius in March of 44 BC. The two are believed to have gone crazy over the guilt of assassinating Caesar, and calculating the likelihood of their survival.
Last year the manager of a sporting goods store in Iowa went insane calculating the variables of who would win the NCAA tournament. However, while calculating the statistics of the Big East Final Four, he invented a new calculus theorem. Currently he is committed in an asylum outside Des Moines.
Goldschling is in stable condition at Kansas City Memorial Hospital. The formula he accidentally invented, which puts North Carolina and BYU in the finals, will be named after him.