NEW YORK, NY – Bernard Madoff will plead guilty to 11 charges on Thursday, but only with a very particular plea bargain.
Madoff was arrested in December for a ponzi scheme that lost $50 billion of his investors’ money, although investigators now believe it may be even more. The 11 charges, including fraud and money laundering, could land him a prison term of 150 years and penalties of $170 billion.
With almost no real defense case, many predicted correctly that Madoff would plead guilty from the start. His only condition?
Ira Sorkin, Madoff’s attorney, explained, “My client wants to make this case as quick and painless as possible. He understands the damage he has done, he does not want to add to that by wasting taxpayers’ money. All he’s asking for is a… moderately comfortable cell, in which to live out his remaining years.”
As stated in the leaked plea bargain, this cell will need to be 18′ x 30′, to include:
- a marble fireplace (“His circulation is quite bad.”)
- carpeted floors (“Easier on his knees.”)
- weekly Swedish massages (“For his arthritis.”)
- a private chef with organic ingredients (“Intestinal issues.”)
- sauna privileges (“To clear out his lungs.”)
- two skylights (“Better for his vision.”)
According to court insiders, the judge fainted from disbelief after hearing the plea bargain. However, Sorkin took it quite differently. “He just couldn’t believe how gracious Mr. Madoff is being. It really brings a tear to the eye,” he sniffled, while grabbing a tissue.
This is one of those creeps you just put on those metal high school bleachers hook a bunch a car batterys to it and fry him like an egg.