Be prepared for anything the economy throws at you with these handy tips.
1. First order of business is to insulate your home against the threat of raging zombies (hereafter called The Poor). A good place to start is with two-by-fours nailed across all windows and doors. The eerie rays of light streaming through your living room and your inability to open the door will help you feel more paranoid and less hospitable.
2. It’s always a good idea to hoard food—and not just the non-perishable kind. Keeping fresh produce, meat, and luxury items around in overabundance lets The Poor know that you’re not the altruistic kind. It’s important to send a message. Be creative: use smeared caviar to write Bah Humbug on your front door, or line your driveway with impaled lobsters.
3. Set up a stock ticker in your living room covering the 1920s and 90s on a continuous loop. Each time it resets, invest in aviation and Microsoft, respectively.
4. Should reality come creeping in more insidiously, say through telephone lines or a sense of empathy, a DVD library of Great Depression-era musicals is a sure-fire way to chase the blues away. Keep a top hat, white tie and tails around so you’ll be ready when it’s time to forcibly put on the ritz.
5. Amass collectibles sure to increase in value and publicly destroy as a sign of your commitment to the gold standard.
6. Administer tax cuts to the wealthiest members of your household, avoid infrastructure spending, and privatize all major industries. Then put up the flag of Argentina and wait for your ship to come in.
7. Do not yield to the temptations of protectionism or welfare initiatives. Such programs only serve to build massively profitable economies, feed people, and train them in emerging industries. You don’t want to go the way of all major world powers.
8. Find a way to work from home. If sewing quilts and hanging them off the roof with a price tag doesn’t prove practical, try working an adult phone line. You don’t even have to get up off the couch, you can set your own hours, and it’s a great way to feel good about yourself. Just remember to get back to the job hunt when you’re finished.
9. Get a friend to help you dig a tunnel from your kitchen floor to the nearest Wal-Mart. Leave one last shovelful of earth untouched so the passageway remains invisible but can still be opened at a moment’s notice.
10. Keep a rabbit’s foot for good luck through hard times, and remember that in a pinch it can make a respectable chicken nugget. Trust me, the kids won’t know the difference, and you can keep the dream of McDonald’s alive till lady luck smiles on America again.