It’s Valentine’s Day again, and I’m madder than Cupid with a dirty diaper!

Valentine’s Day is the stupidest holiday of the year.  There’s no big juicy deep fried turkey or liquored up egg nog  – just pink, pink, pink! The whole world looks like an explosion at a Paris cathouse.

The gifts men are supposed to give are crazy. Why do you want to give your wife chocolate? Isn’t she already fat enough? Then you’re supposed to give her sexy red underwear, so you’ll be able to see how much fatter she’s gotten! Does anybody else think this is plum loco?

What about perfume? Are you saying your wife stank before? If she did, why would you want to hang on to her?

And flowers! Did you know that flowers are really the naughty parts of plants? Congratulations, mister: you just sent a dozen you-know-whats to your honey! Plus flowers die after a few days. Why don’t women want something that lasts forever, like a good hacksaw?

The new thing are those mail order teddy bears in stupid outfits. They sell one decked out in leather pants like some San Francisco fruitcake – what’s THAT supposed to mean?

I just thank the Man Upstairs, for sending the great Mrs. Anger into my life. She doesn’t go in for all this crazy crap. Give her a couple of lottery tickets and a new hairnet and she’s just as happy.

Too much love – that’s the trouble with the world today. What true Americans need is a holiday where we give each other a new gun and a heart shaped box of ammo, so they can blast that stupid Cupid for target practice!