SEATTLE, WA – Secretaries have begun rioting near Starbucks’ headquarters after news spread that decaf coffee would no longer be brewed after noon.
The coffeehouse chain has not fared well in the past year, and corporate leaders enacted a cost-cutting plan to save $400 million by September. Amongst closing unsuccessful stores and laying off employees, Starbucks has decided to stop continuously brewing decaffeinated coffee after 12PM.
Panic and anger quickly spread across the corporate landscape. Secretaries have begun protesting in all of the major metropolitan areas, staging sit-ins at storefronts and holding hand-painted signs that read “SAVE OUR COFFEE” and “DECAF IS THE NEW BLACK”. But Seattle demonstrations have divulged into all-out rioting, with women throwing rocks through storefront windows and confiscating the regular coffee to dump into sewer drains.
While the decaf coffee will be available upon request, customers will have to wait while a cup is brewed for them. Mrs. Kathy Phillips, secretary to the CEO of a paper company, explained, “You know who’s making these decisions? Executives and presidents, all hopped up on espresso, who depend on their secretaries’ cool and calm demeanor to get them through the day. Well what do they think gets us through our day?!”
Ms. Tanya Morgan, head secretary at a law firm, interjected, “They depend on us! And we need our decaf fix in the afternoon, at a moment’s notice. Well those Starbucks execs have another thing coming, uh huh!”
When asked to elaborate, Ms. Morgan only winked and replied, “Let’s just say their workforce has been infiltrated.”
Rumors that Starbucks Headquarters’ staff has secretly replaced all coffee with decaf could not be confirmed.