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THE MOONSHINE DIET

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You can flush out fat fast without pesky dieting or exercise, on the flabulous new Moonshine Diet!

That’s the word from self-styled weight-loss guru Lester Hayley, of Cherokee, N.C.,  who says he discovered the fat-burning powers of homemade spirits by accident when his 275-pound daughter-in-law lost 27 pounds in just six days while visting over Easter.

“She ate like a hog at the trough the whole time and still trimmed down, says Hayley, 73.  “Them fancy-pants actors and actresses can talk about that their fancy diets till they’re blus in the face, but nothing peels off the pounds like my hooch diet.

Here’s Lester:

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Healthcare professionals reluctantly admit that Hayley seems to be on to something, but they wonder if the risks don’t outweigh the benefits.

Because white lighting, peach and apple brand, and other home-brewed spirits are distilled under less than sanitary conditions and often contain brain-damaging lead, there’s a very real chance that Hayley’s innovative diet can kill you.

Here’s some girls that have been on The Moonshine Diet for the last six months.  Together they have lost 300 pounds.

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Dieters should also be aware that untaxed spirits are illegal, which means agents from the Federal Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms might kick down your door – guns drawn – and haul you off to jail if they find out you’re using them to peel of the pounds.

“That ain’t gonna happen if you’re careful and don’t go running around telling everybody you’ve got a jug,” scoffs the wiry mountain man.  “I’ve been making moonshine for 50 years and look at me – I’m fit as a fiddle.  And I reckon I’ve spend less time in jail than most folks.”

To take advantage of the diet yourself, says Hayley, you’ll need “a goodly supply of a powerful spirit” – he claims while lightning works best.

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People in rural areas “usually know who’s running the still, he notes, “so getting a supply from a reputable brewer or a Deputy on the take is as easy as knocking on a neighbor’s door or calling 911 and asking for names.”

In big cities when hillbilly hooch is in short supply, adds Hayley, “you’ll have to substitue 190-proof grain alcohol or the strongest brandy you can find at the liquor store.

“But I ain’t gonna vouch for it on account of I didn’t make it.  There’s not telling what they put in them bottles.  For all I know, it’s sodie pop.”

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Here’s how to use the Moonshine Diet to get thin. Be advised that you should always consult a doctor before embarking on any weight-loss program or changing your diet in any significant way.

BREAKFAST.  Sip two ounces white lightning at your own pace, then “kick it” with one or two ounces of peach brand.  Eat as desired.

MID-MORNING SNACK.  Peach or apple brand as needed for a “pick-me-up.”  Hayley syas, “If you’re hungry eat something.”

LUNCH.  Two ounces white lightning, “there if you’re real thirsty or it’s hot outside,” advises Hayley.  “You can have a sammich if you want and pork and beans is good if you like pork and beans.  You can take a nap if you want to.  If you feel like arguing with somebody or giving them a piece of your mind roll your wife (or husband) out of bed or pick up the phone.

AFTERNOON SNACK.  Because the Moonshine Diet tends to make people feel better and better as the day progresses, says Hayley, “you might find yourself with a hankering to take a nip” at regular 20 to 30 minute intervals.

DINNER.  If you need more hooch, get it and drink as much as you want,” says Hayley, adding that you don’t need to worry about eating” because this lat in the day, your appetite “will be totally suppressed.”

“It ain’t going to take long before you’ve slimmed down right purty,” says Hayley. “And you’ll be glad you did down at the crick this summer when everybody’s skinny dippin’.”

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