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APPLE RELEASES NEW PRODUCT – iCLIMAX

iClimaxX

Apple makes a bold penetration into the sex market.

Technology website JISMONDO jolted the world today with news Apple, Inc. was seeking to exploit the world’s preoccupation with sex. The website released details of a top-secret product development effort code named “Feral Cat” dipping Apple’s wick into the multi-billion market for sexual devices and content which has seen little innovation the past few decades.

WWN has secured classified images of a sleek, multi-use device prototype to be marketed under the iClimax brand. The unit combines vibrator, digital media, webcam, microphone and fluid dispenser functionality, plus corded and Wi-Fi connectivity for iPad & iPhone devices. In step with Apple’s business strategy, it will develop and license a range of peripherals as well as audio and video content that can be utilized on the iClimax platform. Mass multiplayer contests are also contemplated once the device has reached broad distribution.

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Noted Apple watcher Josh Lowensohn of CNET said, “Apple’s move into the untapped sex market is a high stakes gambit with the potential to dramatically expand its global potential at a time when sales and its share price have been flagging. The launch of iClimax is a natural evolution of convenience and convergence in consumer devices, but it is not without substantial brand risks. Sources close to Apple say a prudish [Steve] Jobs had sidelined the project but “horn-dog” Tim Cook green-lighted the estimated $250M development program early on in his tenure.

Cook reassured dubious staffers saying “If we build they will come. It’s not about need. This company was built on creating way cool products and then marketing the sh_t out of them.”

An App market is also planned once final design details are available. It is not known if iClimax content will be available on Apple’s iTunes portal or a separate service. WWN researchers confirmed an offshore entity controlled by Apple has registered the URLs: iPorn, iDiddle, iYesYesYes and iPleasedontstop. Our researches have identified other Apple trademark registrations such as iWad and iRoxoff thought to be targeted at the male demographic.

Rumors of celebrity spokespersons for the launch campaign include… actually we won’t even go there. But Apple fans seem generally pleased with the development, as reflected in a volley of comments on Twitter earlier today:

@AppleMovesMe: OMG! I was already a fan of vibrate mode! Can I get this under my Verizon plan?

@SteakNpotatoes: I’m not sure that’s hygienic, and you could get electrocuted.

@Jung&Wrestless: Sounds like “pocket dialed” could get a lot more interesting