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BIDEN PUTS WHITE HOUSE ON LOCKDOWN TO FIND CAR KEYS

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WASHINGTON — Emergency doors locked and sirens wailing, the White

House was put on lockdown today as Vice President Joe Biden said he must find his missing car keys. At first, Biden laughed and said he knew “exactly” where he had put them, but a quick trip into a restroom stall was fruitless, according to accounts.

“They were, like, just in my hand,” Biden said, motioning a team toward another wing of the building. “No one can leave this place until I find them. And someone turn that siren off; I can’t hear myself think. “

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White House communications official Britt Hammond was quick to dispel any rumors that this was a life-threatening situation. Hammond has maintained constant media contact since first discovering the motives behind the alert.

“Despite the vice president’s enthusiasm for finding the keys,”Hammond said, “I want to remind everyone that this not an emergency for anyone but Mr. Biden and his motorcade. However, the vice president has every right to put federal buildings on lockdown, so we are at his mercy until further notice.”

Around 9 a.m. this morning, Biden was sure he was close to victory as he reached down into a couch, but only found a few golden dollars left behind by tour groups that had taken the Metro.

“Waste not, want not,” Biden said, pocketing the coins. “Alright, gentlemen, lets roll up our sleeves and get back to it.”

Officials said they were hopeful to have the White House fully operational by late afternoon. One Secret Service member reportedly said that “last time this happened, it was on a Monday and no one got out until Tuesday evening.” Another was quick to add, “The vice president ordered pizza, though.”