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VAMPIRES ON THE LOOSE IN CHICAGO

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Residents of Chicago are dealing with a vampire infestation!

Mayor Rahm Emanuel issued a public health warning yesterday, cautioning residents that a pack of vampires were on the loose in the city. The people of Chicago are taking heed and stocking up on garlic bulbs and crosses.

The vampires are preying on unsuspecting suspects in the Chicago Loop, along the Wrigleyville, Lincoln Park, Irving Park, Ravneswood and Hyde Park – where most of the attacks have ocurred.

The vampires are surprising their victims at night and attacking with ferocity, preying mostly on Chicago Bears fans for some reason.

Mayor Emanuel is suggesting that everyone stock up on garlic to be placed on their doors and windows and to ensure crosses are visible throughout the house. “People are worried, everybody knows the legend of this vampire,”  Emanuel said. “We are all frightened.”

Vampire tales have circulated in Chicago since the early 1700s.  Many feature prominently in Illinois literature and legends. Hundreds of years ago, these myths were likely created by people hoping to explain death, decomposition, and other morbid, puzzling phenomena before science could.

But in recent years, scientists have proven the existence of vampires and Chicago is one of the most popular vampire breeding grounds.

“Serbia and Chicago. Those are the two most popular vampire places on the planet,” said Dr. Tom Hillstrom of the Chicago Vampire Institute.

Mayor Emanuel has asked President Obama for help in dealing with the vampires and the President has ordered the U.S. Army to send a division to Chicago if it gets worse.  In the meantime, the President has sent Vampire Drones to the city and that should “take care of the problem,” according to a White House spokesman.