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ATTACK OF THE TURKEYS!

attackofturkeys

After the turkey that President Obama was murdered, wild turkeys across the country have been on the attack.

Citizens in the Northeast are being chased, harried and physically attacked by the birds, which can grow up to 40 pounds and 5 feet tall.

Groups of turkeys have often been seen wandering around the suburbs, but now they are banding together and targeting citizens.  “Looks to me like they want revenge.  There’s a lot of unhappy turkeys out there,” said a Connecticut police officer.

One woman had a group of birds attacked her in her car.  She was safe, but the mailman wasn’t so lucky.  He was taken to the hospital with multiple beak injuries.  Sources say he might survive – if they get the stuffing out of his mouth.

One man was chased out of his house and attacked by two dozens birds, who were waiting for him.  He didn’t get far, before they jumped him and plucked his ears off.

This woman saved her child, but her husband wasn’t so lucky.  He was dragged away to a turkey nest and — beaked to death.

A town in Massachusetts – Newton – is organizing a Turkey Posse to go out and hunt down the turkeys.  But the turkeys are massing on the border and… it looks like the local forces are no match for the turkeys.

Some residents are throwing cranberry sauce at the turkeys – but that doesn’t seem to faze them.

Authorities expect the Turkey Uprising to last another few days – until the National Guard can get it all under control.