FORT HONOR, OH– There’s a rumbling in this small Ohio town – and it’s not coming from the ground.
Fort Honor residents have been fielding more than just high gas prices. Between excessive flatulence and an excessive amount of time on the toilet, people in Fort Honor needed answers. When they turned to a scientist to query their wind-breaking woes, his findings rocked the town.
“Quite simply, there are large traces of laxative in the water,” the scientist said. “I’ve tested tap water in homes all over the area, and no house has been spared.”
Often taken for constipation, laxatives have been known to cause stomach cramps for some — and even explosive diarrhea for others. Abuse can bring even more issues than an individual had initially. And the biggest problem, according to the scientist, arises out of prolonged exposure.
“No one is supposed to have this much laxative in their system,” the scientist said. “The more you take it, the prone you are to damage in your colon and intestines. As far as why it’s happening, I just don’t know how anything like this is possible, considering there are no laxative factories in the area.”
Though no culprits have stepped forward, one area man thinks he has figured out the responsible party.
“I blame it on a certain retail chain,” said musician Bart Hammond, pointing to a nearby department store. “How do you get people to come to your store and buy stuff like toilet paper and medicine? Make them really need it. Besides — who else is going to have all that laxative?”
Though authorities have neither confirmed nor denied Hammond’s claim, an investigation is currently under way. Until the problem is stopped, residents have been encouraged to depend on spring water, which can be purchased at their local retailer.