WASHINGTON, DC – Santa Claus has requested a $14 million federal bailout to avoid a crash which could cancel Christmas.
The struggling world economy and increased costs of reindeer feed are cited as reasons why the North Pole is facing its first ever budget crisis. Santa Claus spoke before Congress this week, requesting a portion of the $700 billion federal bailout fund to make sure Christmas can go ahead as usual.
Some representatives are highly critical of the request. Jim DeMint (R. S.C) said, “Their business model brings in no income, they just give everything away. I’m amazed they got this far.”
Mr. Claus spoke before Congress delivering an impassioned plea on behalf of the threatened holiday, asking for a $14 million loan to keep the North Pole afloat through the rest of the season. He closed by saying “I will pay it back just as quick as I can, cross my heart and hope to diet”, leading the thoroughly charmed Congress in a brief chuckle.
Elf Unions are believed to be the cause of a hold up on a final deal.
Critics say that the United Elvin Workers are responsible for the North Pole’s collapse, demanding lavish wages for its workers. However, research shows that the average elf gladly works 16 hours a day in exchange for food and shelter. The last formal complaint made by the union requested five-minute song breaks every hour, extra tinsel allowances and improved handicapped bathroom access.
Congress is expected to hold a special session to iron out details and avoid a holiday crisis.
When asked if he would be using confidential information from his “Naughty List” to sway his opponents, Mr. Claus said “Right now all options are on the table.” Senator Norm Coleman squirmed in his seat.