A new study conducted by researchers at the University of Pennsylvania found that watching the Super Bowl causes male impotence!
The study, which examined data from 20,000 incidents in which male participants were forced to watch footage from previous Super Bowls, successfully linked the watching of high-intensity, fast-paced sports footage to a sharp decrease in the male “virility.”
“The results were startling,” said biology professor Adam Dawson, the study’s lead researcher. “Even though Americans consider the Super Bowl to be one of the manliest events on TV, it turns out that watching it might not be so good for our…ahem… “health.”
According to Dawson, it is not uncommon for a man to contract a debilitating case of impotence even if he doesn’t profess to “watch the Super Bowl.” As the study suggests, merely being in the presence of a television on which the Super Bowl is being played can cause similar effects.
Even cheerleaders had not affect on the male participants in the study..
The study cites one case of a man who, after accidentally catching a glimpse of a Super Bowl commercial out of the corner of his eye last year, was rushed to the hospital with acute symptoms of impotence. He emerged three weeks later as a full-fledged woman.
“I never thought this would happen to me,” said the woman, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “I don’t even like football. I just went to that stupid Super Bowl party for the spinach dip. And now look at me!”
The study’s researchers cautioned to avoid watching the Super Bowl at all costs if they “value their manhood.”
“We know it won’t be easy,” said Dawson, “but were asking men to skip out on the Super Bowl this year. We want them to try to watch something else, something that doesn’t resemble the Super Bowl in any way – like an ice dancing marathon on the Lifetime channel.”
Some men have taken this warning to heart, and have already vowed to turn off their TVs come Super Bowl Sunday. Others, however, cannot resist the urge to sit back in their La-Z-Boys, crack open a few beers, and feast their eyes on the highly anticipated showdown between the Pittsburgh Steelers and Green Bay Packers.
“Nothing gets between me and my Patriots,” said Bill Pascal, a diehard Patriots fan from Newton, Massachusetts, “not even incapacitating case of male impotence.”
“Besides,” added Pascal, “I’m chubby, bald, and a Patriots fan – who’s going to want to date me in the first place?”
Dawson said he hopes that the new study will raise awareness for the dangers and health risks involved in watching the Super Bowl.
“130 million people are going to watch the Super Bowl this year,” said Dawson. “That means at least 85 million men will be putting their masculinity at stake by tuning in. If you truly appreciate your manliness, then turn off that TV!”
Super Bowl XLVI, which will be played between the New England Patriots and New York Giants, airs next Sunday, February 5 on NBC. Coverage starts at 6:30 pm. Will you be watching?