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STONER MUMMY ATTACKS


LUXOR, EGYPT – A team of Archaeologists was attacked after removing an ancient marijuana stash from a priest’s tomb.

Fifteen days into an excavation led by Dr. Ellen Burnstein, her team removed a large bag of cannabis which had been interred with the head priest Neferatun.  The marijuana was considered sacred, and was used for divination.

That night, Dr. Burnstein and her team were attacked in their lab by a reanimated mummy.  Judging from the junk food in his hands and how long it took him to get there, it appears he stopped at a convenience store for snacks and got lost a few times on the way there.

After the six minutes the mummy spent caught in the door, he began moving towards the team and his sacred stash.  Several of the assistants and interns held the mummy off with Twinkies and a Phish double live album.  While it was occupied, Dr. Burnstein turned on a television in their break room then lured the mummy in with the leather satchel of cannabis.  The team was able to escape without injury.

“In my thirty plus years of archaeology, that was easily the slowest mummy I’ve ever seen.  Thankfully once the Yo Gabba Gabba show ended he just wandered off with his stash.”

Neferatun has since disappeared, but is believed to still be wandering the desert.