PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA – State media declared last night that Kim Jong-il is dead… killed by the hands of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has had quite a year – he killed Osama Bin Laden AND Muammar Gaddafi, he last night he snuck into North Korea and killed Dear Leader Kim Jong II.
Kim Jong Il, North Korea’s mercurial and enigmatic longtime leader, was 69.
In a “special broadcast” Monday from the North Korean capital, state media said Kim died of a heart ailment on a train due to a “great mental and physical strain” on Dec. 17 during a “high intensity field inspection.”
But WWN learned from sources inside North Korea that an autopsy done on Dec. 18 “fully confirmed” that Kim Jong-il died from a single knife wound to the heart.
How do they know it was Chuck Norris who stabbed Kim Jong II?
“Authorities found the knife that killed Kim Jong-il in his room. On the knife were fingerprints matched to Chuck Norris,” a North Korean source told WWN.
Kim is believed to have suffered a stroke in 2008, but he had appeared relatively vigorous in photos and video from recent trips to China and Russia and in numerous trips around the country carefully documented by state media. The communist country’s “Dear Leader” – reputed to have had a taste for cigars, cognac and gourmet cuisine – was believed to have had diabetes and heart disease.
But, he was always accompanied with the best doctors in North Korea and was taking medication to deal with both his diabetes and heart disease – so there was no reason that he should pass away so suddenly.
President Obama had no comment on Kim Jong death, but sources inside the White House told WWN that Norris was on a Black Ops mission, working with Navy Seals. “The President wanted to get Kim Jong before the end of 2011. He wanted to complete the evil dictator trifecta,” the source said.
A White House spokesperson told WWN that President Obama feels that he is the greatest president in the history of the United States in terms of dealing with dictators. “President Obama wanted to rid the world of evil and now he has done so… with the help of Chuck Norris.”
Chuck Norris was also not available for comment, and his publicist is denying any involvement by Norris in the murder of Kim Jong II. But WWN has confirmed with multiple sources – Chuck Norris killed Kim Jong II.
“It is the biggest loss for the party … and it is our people and nation’s biggest sadness,” an anchorwoman clad in black Korean traditional dress said in a voice choked with tears. She said the nation must “change our sadness to strength and overcome our difficulties.”
The news came as North Korea prepared for a hereditary succession. Kim Jong Il inherited power after his father, revered North Korean founder Kim Il Sung, died in 1994.
Chuck Norris reportedly parachuted into North Korea, ran through Dear Leader’s private residence, quickly found and identified the North Korean leader and stabbed him in the heart.
“He was gone before anyone even knew he was there,” said a source close to the Black Ops mission. “Nobody could have done what Chuck Norris did. He’s an American hero.”
On the way out of the compound, Norris was confronted by ten North Korean guards. Norris reportedly used all his martial arts technique – and his AK-47 – to wipe out the guards. He then ran to the top of the building and grabbed hold of a ladder attache to a rescue helicopter.
“It was a precision operation and Norris executed the plan perfectly,” said a source close to the Navy Seals.
Dear Leader has been able to control an entire nation – a nation that fears him. But Chuck Norris is not afraid of anything. Chuck Norris is a God. Who will Chuck Norris get next?
Here’s how Norris usually takes on many bad guys at once: