WASHINGTON – The Obama Administration has formed the world’s first Fat Police unit. They’re mission: arrest the obese.
The Obama Administration announced yesterday that they have formed a special law enforcement squad that will work under the direction of the FBI. This police unit will be charged with arresting people who are obese and forcing them to eat healthy – or else go to jail.
The first FPU (Fat Police Unit) is made up of 12 former elite SWAT team members. The Obama Administration hopes to have over 500 hundred FPUs around the country by the middle of February. “We are creating jobs and keeping Americans fit at the same time,” White House Press Secretary Jay Carney reportedly said.
FPUs will have wide-ranging authority when it comes to the obese (defined as anyone 20 pounds overweight or more). FPUs will patrol the streets, schools and office buildings. If they spot a citizen that is obese eating anything containing sugar, fat or carbs (anything other than fruits, vegetables and tofu), then they have the federal authority to arrest that person – or fine them (fines start at $2,000 per warning).
The Obama Administration said that it will be creating over two dozen Federal Fat Farms (detention centers), in which those arrested for “fat crimes” will be held captive until they get their BMI levels below 30 (optimal BMI is below 25).
“Bad Eaters” (as the FP call them) will also be forced to workout 5-6 hours every day while on the Fat Farms.
Here are the first few detainees of the world’s first Fat Farm detention center. They were forced to run around a track for six straight hours.
The Governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie, has come out strongly against this new FBI unit. “This feels like Big Brother overreaching. Fat people are often not fat by choice. It’s often genetic. And the government has no business telling people what to eat.”
Chris Christie was the first person arrested by the FP for being obese. However, he was not sent to the fat farm, but was brought to the Oval Office. President Obama gave him a warning – “stop eating DingDongs.”
Obama also gave Christie a signed picture of the two men walking on a tarmac in New Jersey. “Use this picture as inspiration,” Obama reportedly told Christie. “You need to look like me.”
Reports are that a depressed Oprah, who has recently “let herself go” because of her failing TV network was also arrested. Here’s her mugshot:
Can the federal government really force you to eat fruits and vegetables every day? Can they really arrest you for not eating right?
Well, there are already legal challenges to the Fat Police and early next year the Supreme Court will decide whether Obama’s “skinny mandate” is constitutional.
Most Supreme Court watchers think that they Fat Police mandate will be upheld by the Supreme Court. “We count 7 skinny justices and 2 fat ones, Scalia and Thomas, so it should pass,” said Supreme Court watcher Professor Robert Rinderman of the University of Virginia.
This woman better run for her life: