FISHER CATS ON KILLING SPREE IN THE BERKSHIRES

RICHMOND, MA –  Killer Fisher Cats are attacking cats, dogs, bears, horses and humans in the Berkshires.  Locals are advised to stay indoors!
There’s widespread panic in the Berkshires in Western Massachusetts.   A wild pack of fisher cats are terrorizing the area – killing hundreds of cats and dogs, dozens of ducks, several black bears, nine horses, five pigs, three cows, and one three-month old baby.
Fireman Jack Wanamaker of Lenox, Massachusetts was walking his dog, Charger, near the Stockbridge Bowl, when two dozen rabid fisher cats attacked him.  “It was crazy, man… they came out of nowhere.  I picked up a stick and started beating them off as hard as I could, but they were too vicious and rabid. I was scared to death.”
Wanamaker did some quick thinking.  He managed to grab Charger and climb a tree.  He then swung from tree to tree until he got to his pick-up truck in the parking lot.  Then he dropped forty feet into the flatbed of the truck and beat off a few more fisher cats (one that was clamped on his neck) and drove away.  He broke his left arm and right leg, but he made it home in time for his hot wing soup.
Here’s Fireman Wanamaker before the vicious attack:

Wanamaker’s wife, Charlotte, was also attacked.  She didn’t know what to do when she saw the five rabid fisher cats in her driveway, so she started singing Kumbaya – very loud, very fast.  She then  kicked the fisher cats over her Hyundai and climbed on the roof of her house with her daughter, Ashley, and son Brandon.  They’re still up there.

Others in the area haven’t been so lucky.  Joe Markman of Richmond was riding his horse and the fisher cats attacked.  “They just jumped us and I fell off the horse.  I watched them take down Chili, and they killed him – right in front of me.  I ran into the lake, took off all my clothes and swam as fast as I could.  I’m just glad they don’t swim.”
Don’t tell Markman, but fisher cats can swim.  Maybe when he took off his clothes, the scent threw them off track.
Local authorities say that fisher cats have long been a problem in the Berkshires.  “You never leave a cat outside up here.  Them Fisher Cats will attack and eat it,” said Sargeant David Lynch of the Great Barrington Police Department.  Lynch showed WWN a fisher cat he gutted and put on a stick in his front yard.  “I use it as a warning to other fisher cats.”
These beasts are referred to as “fisher cats” even though they seldom eat fish, and are not cats – they are weasels. Fishers are one of the largest members of the Mustelid family, which includes species like the mink, weasel, otter and skunk. The name may have been derived from “fitch,” the European polecat, a species familiar to early settlers who may have mistaken the fisher for the polecat.

The fisher has a long, slender body, short legs, a wedge-shaped snout and an elongated, bushy tail  The fur is dark brown to black. Their bodies measure 20 – 30 inches with an additional 13 – 17 inches of tail and weigh from 4- 14 pounds. The fishers are known for their thick shiny fur coats, which provide good insulation against the cold and inclement weather.

The Killer Fisher Cats are known to have fangs that can be up to five inches long – and claws that can extend ten inches.
Why these fisher cats are on the rampage is not clear.  “But I’m not going outside unless I have my beast broom,” said Jack Wanamaker.  “If I see one of those wild weasels, I’m gonna beat it to death, then sweep him up.”