NEW YORK – In a move that shocked the world, Wall Street surrendered to OWS this morning.
The massive demonstration by Occupy Wall Street protesters was a success this morning. New York Stock Exchange workers walked out, hedge fund managers quit their jobs, millionaires and billionaires turned over their bank accounts to OWS leaders and Donald Trump took his name off three hundred thousand buildings in Manhattan.
“The protesters make a lot of sense,” said investment banker, Thomas Wiley, of Goldman Sachs. ”When they chant, ‘WHOSE STREET? OUR STREET!’ – well, I get it. I never thought about it that way. It’s not my street, it’s their street. I just was too stupid to realize that before.”
“Look, there’s no reason we should kept capitalism going. After listening to the drumming of the OWS protesters, I finally saw the light. I should be with them drumming, not in my office trying to raise money for business startups. I’ve been very selfish,” said Todd Burleigh, an investment banker for Merril Lynch.
Several executives walked out of their offices, gave the protesters their bank passwords and ATM codes, then took off their pressed pants and pressed skirts, put on some jeans, grabbed a few free bagels and joined in chanting, “tax the rich, tax the rich!”
OWS organizers were surprised that Wall Street surrendered so quickly. ”We were prepared to drum and chant and ‘twinkle’ for years, but they gave up on the first day. I knew our arguments were strong, but I didn’t know they were nuclear,” said Skylar Rainbow of OWS.
So what will Occupy Wall Street do now that they have not only occupied Wall Street, but have now Own Wall Street?
“The first thing we are going to do is turn the New York Stock Exchange into a petting zoo. Everyone can come down here and pet the sheep. Then, we are going to divide up all the money equally – except some people are more equal than others, “said Rainbow.
President Obama has not made a statement yet about the surrender of Wall Street… but according to sources close the Administration, he did not want them to surrender so soon. ”He still needs another $500 million for his re-election campaign. They weren’t supposed to surrender so soon.”