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MOUNTAIN LIONS LOOSE IN DC!


WASHINGTON, DC – There are numerous reports of mountain lions roaming the streets of DC!

Authorities believe there are up to fifty mountain lions lurking the streets of Washington DC.

One DC resident described one of the creatures as larger and wider than a deer, with the long tail of a cat.  “It just stared me down, so I ran back into my apartment building as fast as I could,” said Sally Judgins of Georgetown.

Another woman said she was walking her dog in McLean Gardens at the edge of Glover Park when she spotted a large cat last week.  She was positive it was a mountain lion.  “I’m from northern California and I’ve seen many mountain lions, this was definitely one.  It scared the sh*t out of me,” said Vanessa Connors, who works on Capitol Hill.

Just this morning there was a sighting near the Beltway exit to Connecticut Avenue.

One cat was spotted by the White House Cemetery:

Here’s one on the streets near the Georgetown section of DC:

And one was even spotted walking across the floor of the Senate:

Animal control officers are working with the FBI to figure out how to deal with the animals and to try to determine where they came from.

A spokesperson for the Washington Humane Society said that it appears someone purposely released the mountain lions onto the streets.  “It could be terrorists,” said a source close to the spokesperson.  “Or Republicans.”

Citizens of DC were put on alert.  “Do not try to approach any mountain lion, just call 911,” said DC police chief, John Comito.  “If you have to stand still and pretend you  don’t exist.”

911 in DC has been flooded with calls since Tuesday.  “We are tying to keep everyone calm.  But people are afraid to go out of their houses,” said Comito.

There have been no reports so far of any of the mountain lions attacking citizens, but one resident, Anthony Johnson (27), said that one mountain lion attacked his pit bull.  “That thing ripped my dog to shreds, I’m gonna sue the city.  There shouldn’t be big nasty cats like that roaming the streets!”

Although mountain lions are uncommon in DC, they are considered an endangered species, so authorities are trying not to shoot the animals, but Comito said his officers have orders to “shoot to kill” if the animals are threatening any citizen in any way.