NEW YORK – Bank of America has added a host of new charges – including The Walking Fee, The Talking Fee and The Looking Fee.
Bank of America, like all U.S. banks, have been struggling lately. They are hesitant to lend money to Americans because “they just all blow their money on stupid things like houses, cars and food” and they aren’t turning a profit because interest rates are low and the global markets are bad.
What can one of the biggest banks in the world do?
Charge their customers more!!!
“It’s an innovative idea our board came up with last night. Brilliant really. We can just soak our customers,” said Bank of America CEO, Chad Witherly. “Our stockholders are going to love it!”
When WWN told Witherly that many of his stockholders are also customers, he said, “We should charge for that too, right?”
Bank of America is going to start easy. They just announced that they plans to charge customers a $5 monthly fee for making debit-card purchases starting early next year.
“And that’s just the start!” said Witherly.
What happened to the idea of banks making money by loaning out your money to others and charging interest, rather than by nickel-and-diming small consumers to death with fees that eat up significant portions of their accounts?
“That’s old school,” said Witherly. “Banks have entered the 21st century.”
The BIG plans for Bank of America. The way that they really want to soak the customers include (but are not limited to):
1) WALKING INTO A BRANCH. There will be a $5 “bank toll” every time a customer (or potential customer) walks into the bank. “Hey, it costs money to operate those branches. Who’s going to pay for it?” said Witherly. The answer: the customers.
2) TALKING TO A TELLER. There will be a $10 teller fee – but ONLY if you talk to the teller. “If you just hand the teller something that is simple and clear, then you won’t be charged. But if you talk, well then our teller has to listen and that will take more brain power and brain power costs money.” Witherly calls this policy – Don’t Talk Don’t Pay.
3) LOOKING AT BANK OF AMERICA – This is going to be a tough one to enforce, but if a customer (or a non-customer) passes a Bank of American branch or ATM machine, then that person will be charged a $3 “look” fee. “We spend a lot on our signage, and I think we have the best looking signs in Banking. Those sign don’t pay for themselves! If you look, you pay.”
4) EATING FEE. If you are eating, drinking or chewing anything in a bank branch there will be a $20 charge. “Janitors don’t grow on trees.”
5) WORD OF THE MONTH FEE. Each month Bank of America will have a “secret word” and if a customer says that word, they will be charged $50. “It’s fun AND it’s profitable – for us!” said Witherly. The word this month: “checking.”
That’s just for starters. Here’s a few others in the works:
– Fees for calling Bank of America Customer Service line
– Fees for applying for loans
– Fees for depositing money
– Fees for withdrawing money
– Monthly fees if you don’t withdraw any money
– Monthly fees if you DO withdraw money
– Switch Fee. If you switch to another bank, there will be a $200 fine. “Cellphone companies do it, why can’t we,” said Witherly
– Online Fees. If you log on – you pay!
– Automated Deposit Fees
– 10% Lending Fees – on top of mortgage rate.