HOBOKEN, NJ – Chris Christie returned to NJ from The Reagan Library and took part in the annual Hoboken Donut Eating Contest… and he won!
Chris Christie – often referred to as Christie Kreme on the donut-eating circuit, is still denying that he is running for President of the United States, but he is NOT denying that he is the greatest donut eater in the world.
“Christie Kreme, the donut machine,” is the Governor’s slogan. “He can eat over three dozen donuts in fifteen minutes, four dozen if he doesn’t have his usually 25 breakfast pancakes to start the day,” said New Jersey Lieutenant Governor, Kim Guadagno.
Christie went up against The Jelly Man, Vinny Grimaldi, of Bayonne. Grimaldi has been Christie’s toughest competitor for the last five years, though the Governor has won the contest every year.
Christie is particularly good at eating Chocolate Glazed Donuts without chewing. “He just pops a chocolate glazed, or a marble frosted donut in his mouth and it just kind of slides down to his belly. He’s amazing,” said Donut-Eating Reporter, Sal Provenza.
Some say that the reason that Christie doesn’t want to run for President is that he may have to give up his donut eating. “Americans want a healthy President and one that will lecture them on eating fruits and vegetables,” said Democratic Strategist Kirsten Powers. “Christie probably doesn’t think he can make it without his donuts.”
A number of Republicans are still begging Christie to run for President. But Christie keeps saying no. “The Republicans are going to have to stop asking him and have to drag him into the rest. It’s going to take a lot of Republicans to drag him, but they are a number that have some weightlifting background.”
There are a number of citizens that think poking fun about Christie’s weight is Politically Incorrect. Those citizens want Christie to be President.”
While eating three powdered donuts in his car after the Donut Eating Contest, Christie did talk to WWN about running for office. “Look, my heart is not in it. Neither is my brain. My stomach isn’t into it either. But I do like people begging me and if they keep begging me and I keep saying no, then they’ll keep begging me and I can feel good about myself and then I’ll tease them and say that I might run, and then I’ll say no, and then they’ll beg some more. This whole thing is a blast. I love screwing with Republicans and the American people. I love it.”
And with that he threw a jelly donut in the air. He got under it and swallowed it whole. Now THAT’S presidential material…