MEMPHIS – Federal agents raided guitar factories around the country today. They plan to seize all acoustic guitars.
Federal agents swooped in on Gibson Guitar, raiding factories and offices in Memphis and Nashville, seizing several pallets of wood, electronic files and guitars.
The Feds are saying that acoustic guitar makers are illegally harvesting hardwoods from protected forests, such as the Madagascar ebony that makes for such lovely fretboards.
The Feds aren’t commenting on the raid. But a source inside the Obama Administration told WWN, that the EPA has decided that most acoustic guitars use “endangered wood” and the EPA intends to put an end to “the raping of the environment for the sake of ‘cafe house’ guitarists.”
Gibson’s chairman and CEO, Henry Juszkiewicz, defended his company’s manufacturing policies, accusing the Justice Department of bullying the company. “The wood the government seized Wednesday is from a Forest Stewardship Council certified supplier.”
The Feds don’t care what Gibson says – acoustic guitars are destroying the environment. The Feds are going to raid Taylor, Martin and Collings guitars and all Guitar Centers around the country in the next few days.
“Many acoustic guitars are using wood that was illegally obtained. It takes ‘good wood’ to make great sounding acoustic guitars. And they are raping the environment for musical purposes,” said one EPA agent.
The government is insisting that all acoustic guitars be made from carbon fiber from now on.
It isn’t the first time that agents of the Fish and Wildlife Service have come knocking at the storied maker of such iconic instruments as the Les Paul electric guitar, the J-160E acoustic-electric John Lennon played, and essential jazz-boxes such as Charlie Christian’s ES-150. In 2009 the Feds seized several guitars and pallets of wood from a Gibson factory, and both sides have been wrangling over the goods in a case with the delightful name “United States of America v. Ebony Wood in Various Forms.”
So… hide your acoustic guitar. They’re coming for it!!…