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NEW YORK CITY – An earthquake hit Manhattan this afternoon.  Donald Trump’s hair didn’t move.

An earthquake hit Virginia, but major tremors were felt all the way up in Manhattan.  Screaming New  Yorkers ran out of buildings into the streets= many of them were naked.

“We’re on the 11th Floor and I felt the building sway back and forth.  We grabbed our Bat Boy bobbleheads and headed for Union Square Park,”  tax attorney and ventriloquist,  Chas Collins,  told WWN.  “We sang campfire songs and smoked pot.  But I was still shaking.”

Frightened New Yorkers were seen running across 42nd Street, heading for the Hudson River.  “New Yorkers have been told for years that if there ever was an earthquake,  they should run over to the Hudson River, jump in and swim for Hoboken.  So, a lot of New Yorkers were doing just that.  And Hoboken was ready – with water guns.”

The quake’s epicenter was in Mineral, Virginia, southwest of DC, in the middle of Virginia. The magnitude was 5.9 -upgraded from an initial reading of 5.8.

In DC, Federal authorities were quick to apprehend the earthquake:

Apparently there were tremors felt as far away as Martha’s Vineyard, Detroit and parts of Ohio. That’s a really wide area of impact for a relatively small quake.  Study this map and memorize it.  It will help you when the next earthquake hits.

The stock market dipped when the earthquake hit, but the Dow ended up.  Gold was also up, but real estate fell another 10%.

Donald Trump panicked that his hair might go out of place from the shaking.  But, thank God, Trump’s hair didn’t move.

Here is Trump’s hair before the quake:

And here is Trump’s hair after the quake:

The earthquake also hit Martha’s Vineyard where President Obama was playing golf.  “Yes, The President felt it and he was extremely annoyed –  the quake made him miss his putt!” said White House Spokesman, Jay Carney.

Back in New York,  the NYPD checked buildings making sure people were evacuated and they arrested looters and clown.  “Earthquakes always bring out the clowns,” said NYPD Police Officer Neil Gondra.  The damage in New York was minimal.   “We got lucky this time,” said Mayor Bloomberg.  “I take credit for that.”

Tragedy avoided in Manhattan.  We won’t be seeing this: