WASHINGTON, DC – The Super Congress met in secret last night. Word leaked that they will make the stock market rise and heal the earth!
Last night, the Super Congress, whose members have not yet been announced to the public, met and decided that the will not only find $1.5 trillion in cuts over the next decade (which they were tasked to do), but they will also make the stock rise to 13,000 in the next month.
On Monday, President Barack Obama said that he hoped the committee would be able to find common ground and take a collaborative approach, in light of the decision by Standard & Poor’s to downgrade the United States’ debt and Monday’s subsequent market selloff.
But sources close to these extraordinary superhumans, who have have put on the committee, not only found common ground, they have found a way to get the stock market roaring back.
“The ideas they 12 members of The Super Congress were discussing were even better than the ideas the founding fathers had,” said on Congressional aide who was lucky enough to overhear a few words.
“I was in tears,” said another aide. “The Super Congress is going to save America and the world. Our children and grandchildren will have much better lives than we do, thanks to the Super Congress. God Bless the Super Congress.”
The names of the Super Congress have not been released for fear of public reaction.
But one member of The Super Congress told Frank Lake of WWN, “Have no fear. The Super Congress will restore America to greatness… by Labor Day!” The anonymous member of The Super Congress went on to say that fixing the American economy was the easy part, “we will also heal the earth, feed all the starving people in the world and solve the mystery of high heels.”
The Super Congress plans to raise over $50 trillion dollars, without making any cuts and without any new taxes. “I wish I had a Super Congress brain,” said ex-Senator Evan Bayh. “These men and women are miracle makers.” Rick Perry, Governor of Texas, said that it was his prayers over the weekend that “instilled brilliance in The Super Congress. “The Lord answered my prayers, and the Super Congress will save our country.”
Meanwhile, President Barack Obama had another successful night of fundraising. “Why not, fundraise?” said Jay Carney. “The Super Congress will save us all.”