WASHINGTON, DC – The Super Congress met in secret last night. Word leaked that they will make the stock market rise and heal the earth!
Last night, the Super Congress, whose members have not yet been announced to the public, met and decided that the will not only find $1.5 trillion in cuts over the next decade (which they were tasked to do), but they will also make the stock rise to 13,000 in the next month.
On Monday, President Barack Obama said that he hoped the committee would be able to find common ground and take a collaborative approach, in light of the decision by Standard & Poor’s to downgrade the United States’ debt and Monday’s subsequent market selloff.
But sources close to these extraordinary superhumans, who have have put on the committee, not only found common ground, they have found a way to get the stock market roaring back.
“The ideas they 12 members of The Super Congress were discussing were even better than the ideas the founding fathers had,” said on Congressional aide who was lucky enough to overhear a few words.
“I was in tears,” said another aide. “The Super Congress is going to save America and the world. Our children and grandchildren will have much better lives than we do, thanks to the Super Congress. God Bless the Super Congress.”
The names of the Super Congress have not been released for fear of public reaction.
But one member of The Super Congress told Frank Lake of WWN, “Have no fear. The Super Congress will restore America to greatness… by Labor Day!” The anonymous member of The Super Congress went on to say that fixing the American economy was the easy part, “we will also heal the earth, feed all the starving people in the world and solve the mystery of high heels.”
The Super Congress plans to raise over $50 trillion dollars, without making any cuts and without any new taxes. “I wish I had a Super Congress brain,” said ex-Senator Evan Bayh. “These men and women are miracle makers.” Rick Perry, Governor of Texas, said that it was his prayers over the weekend that “instilled brilliance in The Super Congress. “The Lord answered my prayers, and the Super Congress will save our country.”
Meanwhile, President Barack Obama had another successful night of fundraising. “Why not, fundraise?” said Jay Carney. “The Super Congress will save us all.”
Illustrations by
Behind the expensive suits and the talking heads and the constant reassurances there is a simple truth. The Stock Market is and has always been a suckers game!
Consider the following:
1. The S&P 500 is a big barrel of money. When the money gets to a certain level, the Psychopaths drain it off. In order to get it to a certain level, you have to buy the B.S. and turn your life savings over to them.
2. Only a few insiders actually buy and sell stocks. These institutional investors and market makers bring the market down by selling stock into the market.
3. The S&P 500 represents 75 cents of every dollar invested in the stock market. That means 500 company stocks to sell when they want the market to crash. Not that hard to accomplish when you think about it.
4. The other branch of the Satanic Psychopaths catch all that falling money buy buying Put Options against the S&P. AS the S&P goes down, they are capturing all of that lost wealth.
5. My Clients have made anywhere from 20-50% returns over the last week by also shorting the stock market. One client made $2400 profit from a $3500 investment. Can your stock broker do that? If so, why aren't they doing it? Instead, they are standing idly by while you lose money!
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The definition of totality of the economical relations formed in the process of formation
Human beings have a pretty complicated system of optics and brain cells that is designed for one thing: survival in the real, 3d world. You experience this everyday doing normal stuff like driving your car or even walking about.
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