WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an attempt to boost his chances, McCain offered to fix the economy by selling secret government artifacts on Ebay. Unfortunately, the maverick senator doesn’t quite get computers and sold it all too cheaply.
Despite opposition from numerous government insiders, McCain claimed that “the old ways aren’t going to solve 21st century problems. Old secrets have to make way for new solutions.” Supporters applauded the senator’s bold initiative to increase government revenue, resulting in a brief spike in his popularity.
However, McCain entered the information incorrectly and all the items were sold before he could correct the mistake.
Among the items sold were photos from the Roswell alien autopsy for $7.14, a used but still working Venusian warp engine for $153.63, the rifle used by the second gunman in the JFK shooting for $23.78, and J. Edgar Hoover’s first training bra for $3.58.
Most of the items were sold to independent collectors around the country, bringing in a total of $209.32 to help offset the federal deficit.
Randall Summers of Grand Rapids, Michigan, who purchased a rare copy of Ben Franklin’s first erotic novel, said “You better believe I’m framing this sucker! John McCain, you got my vote!”
How this will play for the Republican candidate in the final days of the election has yet to be seen.