ROADKILL DIET

The diet industry is abuzz with the smashing success of the miraculous roadkill diet!
Nutrition guru Newton Garflied says his revolutionary diet guarantees a 10-t0-24 pound loss and new pep in your step after 30 days of dining on crushed critters.
“It’s all detailed in my book, A Diet to Die For:  The Roadkill Revolutions.”  explains Garfield, who holds himself out as proof of his diet plan’s effectiveness.
The 5-foot-7 Garfield once weighed a hefty 214 pounds, but after trying unsuccessfully to drop the pounds with a variety of fad diets ranging from the Grapefruit Diet to the Peruvian Air Force Diet.  Here’s Mr. Garfield:

Garfield literally ran into the roadkill idea during a rainy night drive.
“I was out driving, looking for something to eat. I was sick of eating the same old stuff. I was tired of junk food, but I didn’t want to eat salads either. I needed something natural that also tased good.
“Just hten, something bolted out in front of me and hit my car.”
When I drove back into the garage I found a dead coyote tangled up in my bumper and grill and it was like a light went of in my head.”
After scavenging two possums, three snakes and two-and-a-half raccoons, Garfield began a diet that eventually dropped his weight by 75 pounds in three months.
“There’s plenty of protein in roadkill.  It’s free, it’s tasty and the meat is generally lean and instantly tenderized by the vehicle wheels and sudden impact.”
Garfield also touted the variety of his smashing diet plan. “You never know what you’re going to find – a lot of exercise and energy goes into the hunt,” he says.
“In one day alone I covered a 75-mile radius of interstates and rural roads and found four different mammals, three birds – which make nifty low-cal appetizers – and a copule of turtles, which made great soup.  The shells were already cracked and the meat nearly pureed!”

Garfield has some roadkill rules to remember while scavenging:  If you kill it, you know it’s fresh, but whenever you see one that someone else has carelessly ignored, smell it.
If you aren’t immediately sickened by the odor, odds are it’s safe to eat.
Be sure to carry a sharp hacksaw in your car for larger kills and assorted sizes of plastic bags for clean storage when you’re on the road.
Zip-Lock Freezer Bags are ideal for small animals and chunks of larger animals.
Jumbo trash bags are good for large animals – and all of them help prevent messy leaks.

SAMPLE MENU FOR ROADKILL DIETERS
Here’s a sample of a three-day diet plan from A Diet to Die For:  The Roadkill Revolution by nutrition and diet expert Newton Garfield.
Day 1.  Breakfast:  3.5 ox broiled raccoon haunch.  1 cup black coffee, toast with sparrow pate. Lunch: Squirrel noodle salad.  Dinner: 4 oz. lightly fried breast of coyote or similar wild game such as skunk.
Day 2.  Breakfast: One scrambled egg white with 2 oz. armadillo brains, 1 cup roadside weeds and herbal tea. Lunch: 8 oz possum soup, 3 oz broiled dog filet. Dinner: 6 oz. baked deer or prairie dog.
Day 3. Breakfast. 3 oz. broiled roadrunner. Black coffee. Lunch: 4 oz cold spicy chipmunk or cat salad.  Dinner: 6 oz., pan-fried “roadside oysters” – testicles taken from roadkill such as deer, cow or large dogs.