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ARMED GORILLAS


There’s a new problem in Africa: armed gorillas are planning a takeover of the jungle

The guerilla gorillas have been seen marching in formation and carrying stolen rifles.   Worried authorities believe they will soon launch an armed attack against established African governments.

“The animals are smart enough to know that it’s mankind that’s destroying their habitat,” said Kitwe Mondga, a game official from Loubomo in the Congo. “We believe they’ve gotten together, joined gorilla forces, to fight for their living areas.”

Gorillas are proven tool users, so it doesn’t surprise the African Game Wardens that they have larned h ow to carry – and even use – rifles.

“They apparently have observed troops in the Congo and parts of Zaire and they’re copying  human ways.  They’ve been spotted practicing drills and even doing target shooting.  Apparently someone has been supplying them with weapons or they’ve been stealing them from troops or police in the area.  We’re very concerned about what they’re up to.”

Mondga and other game officials have consulted police and military experts, but so far authorities have not apprehended any of the renegade apes.

President Obama has been alerted as well – but he is hesitant to launch an attack against the gorillas at this time.  “We’re not sure which side is more sympathetic to American interests,” said Obama.

Authorities said that the warrior animals are smart enough to hide out whenever they see humans coming.  “We can’t infilitrate their ranks because they’d spot a human in minutes – even if he were in disguise,”  Mondga said. “And they don’t use a shortwave or send written messages so we can’t inercept their communications.

“The best we’ve been able to do so far is track their movement by interviewing villagers and jungle tribes who have seen them while they were on maneuvers.”

Authorities say there have been several hundred murders in the areas where the gorilla troops are known to be operating.

Stockpiles of weapons – including flamethrowers, grenades and Uzis – have been taken from army arsenals and police stations in the area as well, Mondga said.   Officials believe the gorillas – or greedy humans who are supplying them with weaponry – are responsible for the thefts.

“Things are very tense right now,” Mondga said. “The locals are frightened by the armed apes and we are watching the situation carefully. We believe that any day now a full-scale attack might happen.”

In the meantime, if you see an armed gorilla… run!!