DALLAS, TX – Republican presidential nominee John McCain announced Monday he will suspend his campaign yet again in order to upgrade his cybernetic systems. Sources say he hopes to appear more passably human before the final debate.
McCain’s need for an upgrade comes as no surprise to many insiders. During the Oct 7th debate his GPS systems were noticeably damaged, causing him to wander aimlessly for much of the evening.
Last month investigators discovered that John McCain had many of his internal organs replaced with cybernetic systems. Doctors believe his extensive cybernetic infrastructure is the only thing giving him a one in four chance of survival for the next seven years.
Glitches in the Arizona senator’s operating system became most apparent in Dallas when he answered an economic question by engaging his loafer-jets and repeatedly flying headfirst into a wall. After a quick reboot the senator apologized and went on to talk about tax cuts.
The McCain campaign hopes an upgrade before the Oct. 15th debates will help the senator, who has been behind in polls for weeks, appear more modern and life-like. GOP cyborg specialist Dennis Fiorino said “Our candidate will receive the most up-to-date software for dealing with twenty-first century problems. After his Vista upgrade, he will be the best equipped to lead our nation.”