ATLANTA – The Center for Disease Control has confirmed that skin bugs are turning people into zombies.
A new study by the CDC has revealed that patients claiming to having bugs on their skin – are turning into zombies.
“The process takes about three months from the time a patient first sees a doctor,” said Dr. James Byrne of Syracuse, New York. “After that, the patient typically will die peacefully in bed and immediately turn into a zombie.”
Doctors are compelled by law to alert the authorities when a patient comes in with skin bugs. “Once patients/zombies are identified, authorities send out Zombie Control to hunt them down and kill them – usually with a rusty spear to the heart,” said Professor David Collins, Zombie Expert at the CDC.
The CDC is conducting an investigation into the increased incidents of skin bugs. “Clearly, this new Zombie Outbreak is caused by skin bugs,” said Collins. “It’s affected me personally because I had to set fire to my cousin, Caleb, last week. He ruined the family picnic.”
Large numbers of patients have been going to dermatologists to be treated for skin infestations. The first sign is usually when a patient notices parasites crawling around on their body. Here’s what the parasites look like:
Federal authorities have reported that in the last two months ALL patients claiming their skin has been infested with bugs, have turned into brain-eating zombies – sometimes in as little as a week.
There was only one case where the skin of the patient infested by bugs, did NOT become a zombie – and that was because the person was already dying of psycho-moronic bowel disease.
The CDC is recommending citizens across the country keep a shotgun and/or hatchet in their homes. This way if a family member starts complaining of skin bugs, you can “eliminate the contagion” immediately.
“We want to control this zombie outbreak as quickly and effectively as we can,” said Dr. Byrne. “We are advising patients with skin bugs to alert us as soon as possible so we can send our doctors over to smash their brains in with a sledgehammer. This way they’ll save the government a good deal of money in end of life care.”
Go check your skin for bugs. Please let WWN know if you find anything – we have a number of mutants who can help you out.