WASHINGTON – The U.S. Justice Department has ordered Ronald McDonald put to death.
Last week more than 550 health professionals and organizations pressured the U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder to take legal action against Ronald McDonald, claiming that he has poisoned American children for decades.
Holder immediately signed a letter to McDonald’s Corp. asking the maker of Happy Meals to stop marketing junk food to kids and to put Ronald McDonald to death. Michelle Obama signed the letter as well.
The letter, which ran as full-page ads in six metropolitan newspapers around the country on Wednesday, acknowledged that “the contributors to today’s obesity epidemic are manifold and a strong response is required. Company mascots have significantly contributed to the massive problem of obesity. Ronald McDonald must die.”
The letter, however, caused a firestorm. Health professionals and activists began demanding that Ronald McDonald be arrested, put on trial and executed – immediately. Eric Holder agreed and issued an arrest warrant. Ronald McDonald was arrested in Peoria, Illinois.
Eric Holder held a swift trial for Ronald McDonald in front of the Ninth Circuit of Appeals. Ronald McDonald was found guilty of “assaulting” and “abusing” American children since 1964. McDonald is charged with mass murder.
McDonald will be hung outside the White House. Michelle Obama will be there to raise awareness for Obesity.
McDonald will be buried in an oversized Big Mac box.