TRIPOLI – Colonel Gaddafi released a new message to the world today.
For 40 years, or was it longer, I can’t remember, it may have been 60 years, or 15 years, I don’t know, but what I do know is that I did all I could to give people houses, RVs, bingo parlors, and when they were hungry, I gave them fruit baskets and tickets to a movie. I even made Benghazi into farmland from the desert, I stood up to attacks from that cowboy John Wayne, when he killed my sheep, he was trying to kill me and my little pony.
President Bill Clinton was here and I rubbed his head with my elbow and by rubbing his head, I sent a message to Americans, and that message was a message to all the world: eat more hummus.
I have done all I could to help people understand the concept of democracy, where people who have fake birth certificates can run for office and people can vote many times in one day. But that was never enough for those capitalists, they wanted more: they wanted McMansions, flat screen TVs and golf club memberships, they were never satisfied, they were selfish and wanted more than more, they wanted most and they wanted all.
They wanted to have sex with celebrities.
They told Americans and other visitors, that they needed “democracy” and “freedom” never realizing it was brutal system that tortured airline passengers and threw midgets off bridges, or forced people to have unprotected sex with bankers, where the biggest dog eats the smallest rabbit, but they were enchanted with those words, never realizing that in America, there is no free brunch, there is no free meth, no free trailer parks, no free motorcycles, no free PlayStation games, and no free bananas, except when people beg with cardboard signs.
No, no matter what I did, it was never enough for some, but for others, they knew I was the greatest man that ever lived, the greatest man to ever have been born on this planet, the greatest man to ever wear dark sunglasses. They knew I could juggle tennis balls.
Now, I am under attack by the biggest force in military history, my son, Barack Obama wants to take away my country, to take away our free housing, our free medicine, our free education, our free PlayStations, our free underwear, and the free donkeys I gave to the little towns in the south, and replace them all with American stupidity, with “capitalism,” replace it with Legos and Jersey Shore dolls, replace it with Devil Dogs and potato chips, but all of us in Libya know what that means, it means corporations run the countries, run the world, and that people get obese and want to sit on couches and watch American Idol.
So, there is no alternative, I must make my stand, I shall die by following the path that has allowed me to sleep with as many women as humanly possible. It has allowed me to wear a bathrobe every day. Praise Hugh!
I do not wish to die, but if it comes to that, so be it. But I won’t go down without shooting bullets. Bullets at those who shoot bullets at me. I will shoot bullets and bombs, I will shoot bombs that have bullets in them and bullets that have bombs in them. I will shoot them high, I will shoot them low. I will shoot them in the eyes and in the knees. I will shoot and shoot and shoot and then I’ll die, and then I’ll come back to life and shoot some more. And then I’ll eat bananas.
In the West, some have called me “mad”, “crazy”, but they continue to lie. The truth is they all want to live in Libya, they want to be me, they want to live with me, inside me, they want to shoot bullets with me, they want to drink Libyan beer with me and watch Libyan soap operas and they want to go swimming in ponds with me, they want to marry me and have children with me. They want me to have their babies. That they know, and I know that they know. We all know.
I will never, ever, ever, ever, never, ever, ever surrender. Never.
Have a nice day.