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G.E. TO DONATE $10 BILLION TO U.S. TREASURY


FAIRFIELD, CT –  There was a rumor about General Electric Co. donating $3.2 billion to the federal government.  The real number is $10 billion!!

“GE did not refund $3.2 billion to the taxpayers, instead the company is donating $10 billion.” said Denise LaBore, a GE spokeswoman.

GE shares slipped after it was reported that they were NOT donating to the government, but when the real number ($10 billion) was announced, and GE stated publicly that it wanted to help cut the U.S. debt, their stock rose.

“Investors love when a company contributes to curbing U.S. debt, which helps the U.S. regain financial credibility around the world,” said a giddy Tim Geithner, the U.S. Secretary of the Treasury.

Geithner will be getting a $500 million dollar bonus – from President Obama – for brokering the deal.

Jeffrey Immelt, who in January was named to head a new White House panel aimed at driving jobs growth, felt that GE had to lead the way in “corporate responsibility.”

Immelt also announced that he has slashed his own executive compensation for 2011.  “My salary for 2011 will be $30,000 and I will keep it at that level until GE stops laying off people.  That’s my promise.”  Additionally, Immelt said he has taken a vow of chastity until the national unemployment rate is under 8 percent.  “I’m willing to sacrifice for my country.”

GE’s tax rate has been in the public eye since the New York Times reported last month that it paid no U.S. income taxes in 2010, a claim that GE denies. GE has acknowledged that its 2010 tax bill was low due to hefty losses at its GE Capital finance unit during the financial crisis.

Immelt was quick to say that the hefty losses experienced by GE were “not my fault!”  President Obama said that there is nobody better to lead his Economic Panel of Advisers than a man who heads a company swimming in debt.

“Our tax rate will be higher in 2011,” said Immelt. “And next year I hope to make a donation of $20 billion to the U.S. taxpayers and… I plan to have sex again!”

Immelt denied rumors that he was doing all this because a large majority of American feel that it was immoral for GE to not to pay a dime in taxes for the year 2010.  He denied that he was influenced by a majority of internet users calling him a “fraud” a “charlatan” a “fat cat” a “thieving bastard.”

No, no…  Immelt is donating $10 billion to the U.S. government because “I love little people.  Little, poor, stupid, American people… the ones that buy our lightbulbs. I love them for that.  I just want to give back.”