DUDE DATING WITH J-TRAIN: ONE NIGHT STANDS

The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!
From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-Train. A frequent dater and lover…..
Dude Dating with J-Train: One-Night Stands
Q. When is the right time to leave the morning after a one-night stand? Too early and I look like a jerk and too late I look like I’m trying to move in. – Juan Epstein, Brooklyn, NY
My motto for the day after a one night stand is to always leave them wanting more. Leave them wanting more of your sweaty, fat body, which smells like a combination of puke, pizza, and vodka. Don’t leave before she wakes up because that makes you a thief who’s known for stealing a girl’s dignity. Be a gentleman, and at least stay until you guys come out of your comas. Then give it 15 minutes and say, “this was fun”, you both will have a nice giggle then you’re out of there. The point of that next morning is to get out with a nice goodbye and as little sexually transmitted diseases as possible. Move quickly and maybe you can make the McDonald’s breakfast.
Q. I went home with a guy who I met through one of my girlfriends. It was a standard one-night stand except the next morning we had the best conversation. I want to try and keep things going but did I ruin it but already sleeping with him? – Roseanne Conner, Lanford, Illinois
This is tough because he needs to believe that the connection you guys had that morning was there as well. In most cases Dudes see a one-night stand as some type of kill they made on a hunt. We would cut off your head and mount it on our wall if we were legally able. What you do is text him saying you had fun and would love to do drinks. If he says yes then start it off as you would any first date. If he balks, and goes for the late night meet-up you know that he just sees you as a dead animal he killed and ate one time. That late-night meet-up is just this Dude going into the freezer for some leftovers on a night when the hunt wasn’t as kind.
Here’s what you ruined. You can never play “hard to get” with this particular guy. It will come off like an act when you’ve already seen the freckle on his ball. So don’t go on a date with this guy and act like you’re above the person that you were that night. Chances are, if the date happens, that he had a fun time with you that morning too and is willing to give it a shot. I’m not saying you guys need to have sex after that first real date but don’t say things like “a guys got to work to get with me” because he’s already done that “work”. I don’t think that cheap tequila and grinding on you with his boner is what you consider being “courted”.
Q. I left my watch at this girls place that I slept with and now I don’t know how to get it back. Any ideas? – Lou Grant, Minneapolis, MN
I treat these encounters like a war. If you lose a soldier behind enemy lines then its up to him to get out of there alive. You can’t let one lost watch compromise your mission of having sex and never see this person ever again (except for one random encounter on the street where you forget her name). I once left my favorite hat at a girls place and went back to get it and two hours later I ended up in a relationship. I don’t know how it happened but it just did. Something about the day light hours makes every guy crumble and want to have someone to cuddle and eat brunch with.
Q. I had a one-night stand. These things will happen from time to time and my biggest issue is getting the guy to leave my apartment. Any tips? – Phoebe Buffay, NY, NY
As I said before you want to leave a one-night stand early but when it’s your place it’s tough to politely get someone moving. Here are some Ideas:
For a Man: “I have to get to work” – If it’s a weekend, then say buzz words like “finance”, “clients”, “data”, “ratios”, “buy/sell”, or “deposition” and then put on your full suit for work, get them a cab, walk home, take off your suit and go back to bed.
For a Woman: “I have my friend’s baby shower, I have to go because the Dad isn’t really involved. I mean, just because it was a mistake doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be locked in to raising this baby with her.” – This one’s great because the mention of babies will definitely get a one night stand guy to wake up, get out, and think about all day whether or not your pregnant. Then head to brunch with your girls and wash down your Plan B with a mimosa.
For a Female Transvestite: “I’m a transvestite.” He’ll be gone before you finish the sentence.
You’re Welcome,
Train.


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