TERRE HAUTE, Ind., – Can’t get pregnant? Try green beer!
Scientists at an Indiana laboratory have determined that the consumption of four pints of green beer greatly increases the chance of conception among young females.
According to Dr. Amanda Johnson of Chem-Study Labs, “The chemicals in the food coloring, specifically the synthetic pigments, and the alcohol content in the beer react to change the hormonal structure in women. Our study participants were limited to an under-30 demographic, so we cannot attest to similar results in the over-30 segment.”
She continued, “We supplied our participants with an unlimited quantity of green beer. We found that once beyond the four-pint threshold the likelihood of fertilization is almost thirty percent higher. It’s an astonishing statistic, actually.”
“We will continue the research on various other food coloring and beer combinations. Historically, when young women drink beer of a different color, it’s green. We project that the results will be the same for other colors as well.”
Dr. Johnson added that the study was initiated after assessing the birth-date records from maternity wards at hospitals all over the nation. An unusual spike noted an influx of births on or around December 8th, which indicates a conception date of March 17th.