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CAPTAIN CRUNCH IS DIABETIC


ROCHESTER, MN – Captain Crunch hospitalized.

Recently Captain Crunch has been nowhere to be seen. The Captain had been receiving pressure lately from government agencies to stop pushing his sugary breakfast treat on the children of America.

It has been rumored that Quaker, the maker of the Captain’s delicious breakfast treat had suspended him from work until he could come up with a solution for his product that would take it down a notch on the tooth rotting scale.  But the Captain would not budge from his classic recipes claiming that he and his product have become an American tradition. To change it would be like banning apple pie from the U.S.

Many have feared that foul play may be involved due to the disagreement with the U.S. Government and Quaker. But insider sources have told WWN that the Captain has actually been hospitalized. The Captain was admitted to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN last week to receive treatment for severe diabetes.

After living a reckless life on the high seas eating only his famous cereal and the occasional Slim Jim for close to 40 years, the Captain’s body finally just gave out. The Captain checked himself into the hospital last Friday but without support from Quaker, it is unclear how long his pirates’ booty will cover the costs.

Upon hearing the news, thousands of funds have begun to pop up around the internet to help the Captain with his mounting medical bills.

Wilford Brimley, known advocate for diabetes, had this to say about the Captain.

“The Captain is in all of our hearts and prayers as he works through this rough time in his life. But it is hard not to place the blame directly on him. He did eat that sugary crap for most of his life. This should be a lesson to us all about sugary foods and diabetes.”

Now here’s a heart warming rap by Wilford about diabetes.