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EASTERN COUGAR EXTINCT


NEW JERSEY – Horny young men with no ambition fear for their survival with news of the extinction of the eastern cougar.

What was once a thriving species of rich older women preying on strapping young men, known as cubbies or cubs, is now no more. Wealthy divorced and perpetually single women ranging in ages from 35 to 55, known as cougars, were once in abundant supply in major U.S. cities along the eastern seaboard. However, results from the 2010 Census have revealed that the eastern cougar is now completely extinct.

New Jersey was once the main breeding ground of the species. However, due to the ongoing financial crisis, many women that were once considered to be cougars have disappeared. With their 401k accounts completely bottomed out and several without work, most were unable to keep up with their Botox and plastic surgery allowing them to maintain their “youthful” appearance. This lack of necessary maintenance and financial liquidity has caused many of them to fall out of the cougar category being downgraded to middle-aged woman.

The last known cougar was last spotted in Short Hills, NJ. But when her net worth fell went into the red, rendering her unable to fund future hunts and surgeries, a cougar she was no more.

The closest kin to cougars that can be found in the east are located in sanctuaries in southern Florida, also known as nursing homes.  However, field researchers say that due to their age, these women are not actually cougars but better classified as jaguars. And although most jaguars are found in sanctuaries, occasionally a jaguar is spotted living in the wild, often assisted by a Haitian caretaker.

As a result of the extinction, a mass exodus of cougar hunters or safarists, young men that seek cougars, has occurred in major eastern cities that were once heavily populated by cougars. Along with New Jersey, New York and Atlanta have seen a drop in the population of young, cougar seeking men. Most of these men have headed for the west coast to seek the last remaining North American cougars. All of these men have avoided south Florida stating that the jaguar population is “just too weird” for them.

“I have my standards you know,” said Chip an accomplished cougar hunter who claims to have captured over 37 cougars in just one months time, “past 50 is just too old for me. It doesn’t matter how much money she has.”

Who knows what will become of the cougar population throughout the rest of the nation. But if things do not come under control fast and soon, ABC’s smash hit Cougar Town may be better suited for the National Geographic Channel before you know it.