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GIRLS SCOUT COOKIES SCANDAL


NEW YORK, NY  – Girl Scouts of America were charged with numerous counts of kidnapping, false imprisonment and slavery.

Girl Scouts of America (GSoA) was founded in 1912 and was chartered by the U.S. Congress in 1950. Today, membership to the all girls club is in excess of 3.2 million. GSoA touts that “girls discover the fun, friendship, and power of girls together”. But it seems as though their collective power went to their heads.

Reports show that cookie sales this year were through the roof. Many financial analysts have suspected hat GSoA might even make the Forbes top 100 companies list. However, trying to keep up with the demand for this year’s cookie sales seemed to be too much for the ‘green beret wearing’ cookie peddlers. Evidently, in a last ditch effort to meet the demand, the cute little ladies decided to imprison the Keebler elves in order to supply their delicious once a year cookies to all their hungry fans.

News broke shortly after Ernest J. Keebler, AKA Ernie was found running half naked alongside Highway 9. Joey and Susie Washburn saw Ernie as they, ironically, were on their way to pick up their order of Thin Mints and Tagalongs from their local GSoA troupe.

“At first we thought he was a leprechaun, and we were like, yes, we’re gonna be f**king rich!” said Joey.

The couple immediately pulled over, threw a bag over the elf’s head, and tossed him in the back seat of their 1973 AMC Gremlin, pictured here.

“As soon as the bag went over my head, I thought to myself, ‘Oh no, not again’”, said Ernie.

The couple quickly discovered that Ernie was not in fact a leprechaun but the leader of the Keebler elves.

After hearing of the elf’s ordeal, the couple, without delay, took him to the local police station where he gave the following account of the ordeal:

“It was just another average day at the Tree when there was a knock at the door. To our surprise it was a group of adorable Girl Scouts. We knew that their sales were through the roof this year so we assumed that they stopped by to ask for our help. We used to make cookies for them in the 1930s but had since then broken ties with the girls. Never in our wildest dreams did we think that they would enslave us all,” stated Ernie in the police report.

GSoA did not return our phone calls or emails regarding the incident. So it seems as though we will just have to wait and see how it all unfolds in the courts.  Just hope that the sweet treat you bite into this season is a cruelty-free cookie.