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iPHONE USERS FACE EXTINCTION


WASHINGTON – Steve Jobs teams up with Senator John McCain to deal with iPhone-addicted Americans.

In the wake of last week’s nomination of WikiLeaks–the embattled champion of transparency in government and the free flow of information–for a Nobel Peace Prize, a number of enlightening high-level communications between Apple’s Steve Jobs and senior United States Senator John McCain have been released.

In the emails, which were exchanged just after Meghan McCain’s ‘Pajama-Gate’ played out on Twitter in the fall of 2009, Jobs and the Senator discuss the ‘planned obsolescence of our nation’s phone-addicted population.’

The plan–code name ‘iBlow’–is already in process and involves the insertion of a tiny, neurologically-calibrated entabulator chip into all iPhones, iTouches and music-playing iPhone clones, regardless of carrier. This chip will be triggered via satellite link from a remote location by Steve Jobs on Friday, February 14th,, 2011.

The ensuing electric charge will freeze the neural activity of anyone plugged into an audio stream, phone call or podcast via ear buds at the moment of activation.

Wrote McCain to Jobs in one of their many exchanges, ‘I tell you, Steve, I’m just tired of seeing all these kids walking around, plugged into these ridiculous mobile music devices, totally f*cking oblivious…These hipster doofuses couldn’t handle six days of torture, let alone six years!!’ McCain went on to indict Steve Jobs, Microsoft’s Bill Gates, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and Starbucks for creating the maelstrom of technological gadgetry that, he says, has led to the decline and fall of the American intellect.

What is most surprising about the leaked communiqués is that Jobs himself seems to agree with McCain.

‘I hear you, man. I remember writing code on an MSDOS machine when I was still in training pants. Kids out of college nowadays can’t even spell ‘code’ without spellcheck.’

Jobs’ leave of absence from the helm of Apple also appears not to be due not to ill health, as has been generally reported, but was a critical step in the execution Operation iBlow. The emails indicate that Jobs will use the next week to move essential personal data from his iPhone onto his PC.

The clean-up phase of iBlow includes the collection and disposal of the neurally frozen citizens by sanitation workers around the country, who will then use the recycled organic material as fertilizer in the aerial reforestation of the National Parks.

Giles Jarmunk, current Director of the National Park Service, approves of the idea. ‘I really think we will be able to reverse the whole greenhouse effect here. We’ll be tending to our national forests and reducing, reusing and recycling a giant chunk of useless people. It’s genius, really.’