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GROUNDHOG DEAD!


PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA – Punxsutawney Phil was found dead this morning in an apparent suicide.

Sources report he committed suicide after the harshest winter in centuries and in advance of the monster winter storm expected this week.

He did not see his shadow at Gobbler’s Knob today, which indicates an early spring, but sources confirm Phil had doubted his accuracy for some time. Terrified that the record-breaking snowfall would continue through the end of March, Phil couldn’t face the possibility that his prediction might be wrong.

Caretakers noted in recent weeks that Phil, the only true weather forecasting groundhog, had become irritable and reclusive. He had been refusing food, consuming only water and a few acorns each day.”

He really took a turn for the worse in the last few weeks. He really doubted himself, his abilities, and the groundhog legend. We started giving him Amitriptyline, an anti-anxiety medication for dogs, at the beginning of January, hoping it would be enough to take the edge off. I’m so sorry we couldn’t do more. He had been seeing a veterinarian psychiatrist and had started to turn things around mentally. This is really just a sad day for the entire Punxsutawney family. Phil didn’t have to go out like this. He abandoned us.”

Phil had one son, Philipo. He is reportedly inconsolable, but promises to be back next February 2nd to fill in for his revered father.

Examiners have not released an official cause of death. Toxicology reports are expected to take six to eight weeks. According to legend, if Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter weather. If he does not see his shadow, there will be an early spring.Weather experts speculate that the northern hemisphere may be stuck in a “limbo winter” for several years. Punxsutawney insiders believe Phil felt this never-ending winter and couldn’t face his future without a spring.