TUSCON, AZ- Mexican drug cartels must resort to primitive tactics to get drugs across the US border.
Drug dealers have used underground tunnels, human mules, and even the corpses of dead animals as methods to transport drugs into the United States but few seem to get past the ever elusive DEA. Now, the Mexican drug cartels are at their wit’s end.
With all the previous tactics proving to be useless, the drug dealers have decided to take a more primitive approach to drug smuggling. They are now using catapults to lob large sacks of marijuana and cocaine over the International Border fence.
Through a closed circuit surveillance system, National Guard troops working at the Nacho Naco Border Patrol Station have recently observed several people in ponchos and sombreros attempting to lob medium to large size bundles over the wall by way of catapult.
“Prior to the construction and attempted use of the catapult, we’ve observed them trying to throw the bundles, basketball style, over the wall. This is rather amusing as the wall is over 21 feet tall and 6 feet thick,” said Lieutenant Peters, “The best part is when they try to do layups. They almost always do face plants directly against the wall when they try this. It has been really entertaining to watch.”
Lieutenant Peters continued by explaining that these dopey drug dealers have been at it for months now and have been unsuccessful with all of their attempts to clear the wall. Some privates at the Naco Station have even taken to making microwave popcorn and watching the comedy fest during their breaks.
“This is one of the best reality shows out there right now. The only thing better is The Jersey Shore,” said Private Benjamin, “I’m really rooting for them with the catapult idea. I hope they make it this time. Granted if they do, we’ll have to detain them but still you gotta root for ’em.”
Upon hearing about the closed circuit footage, Fox has decided to quickly put together a reality TV show about the group of Mexicans who have been attempting to launch the drugs over the fence. With the US government in desperate need of income to bring down the national debt, Fox has been able to acquire the past three months of footage for “an awesome price”. Fox plans to air the show by the summer of 2011.
It has been rumored that Fox will hire Carrot Top to host the show pending his release by the Canadian government as he is now officially owned by Canada.
“We really love that we now own Carrot Top,” said Canadian Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, “he is now regarded as a national treasure. Our people can really relate to his pasty white skin and the women love is muscular physique. It is going to take a lot for us to let him out of our grasp.”