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VEGETARIANS ARE PSYCHIC


LOS ANGELES – A new study found that people who follow a vegetarian diet have psychic powers!

The study, published by researchers at the University of California Los Angeles, tested the psychic abilities of vegetarians and non-vegetarians by having subjects try to “predict” the outcome of a random number generator. Scientists then monitored the subjects’ brain waves on an EEG machine.

Raymond Carter, the project’s leading researcher made it clear that the subjects who followed a strictly vegetarian diet produced significantly more psychic brainwaves than their meat-eating counterparts.

“What we found,” he said, “was that more than 95 percent of the vegetarians were able to correctly predict the randomly generated number, while less than 5 percent of the meat-eaters were able to do so.”

The researchers weren’t entirely shocked by the results, because similar studies in Asia and Europe had already proven that a vegetarian diet dramatically increases a person’s psychic brainwaves.

“There is broad agreement in the scientific community that vegetarians are more psychic,” said Carter. “We’ve known that for almost 50 years now.”

But what was shocking, Carver said, was the power and intensity of the vegetarians’ psychic abilities.

“Not only were they able to predict randomly generated numbers,” said Carter, “but they were also able to move things with their minds. This came as a complete surprise to us.”

During the study, the researchers sat their vegetarian subjects in one corner of an unfurnished room and put a soccer ball in the other corner. They then asked the subjects to concentrate on the ball and try to move it with their minds. The findings showed that 7 out of 10 vegetarians were able to roll the ball over to them using nothing but their mental powers.

Carter believes the link between a vegetarian diet and psychic abilities has something to do with a chemical called cryptoselopholid, an amino acid that is prevalent in most fruits and vegetables but almost non-existent in meats and processed foods.

“Cryptocelopholid has been shown to bolster psychic brainwaves in humans,” said Steve Beauregard, a nutritionist and owner of an alternative medicine store in San Francisco. “Legend has it that Nostradamus, the famed soothsayer, was able to see into the future because he ate a dozen tomatoes everyday.”

The meat and dairy lobbies have criticized the study’s results, claiming that the researchers used unconventional testing procedures and exaggerated some of the study’s results.

“Those hippies can brag all they want about how healthy vegetables are,” said Bill Bukowski, a farmer from Weedsport, New York, “but there’s nothing in this world that’ll get me to start eating that rabbit food! Not even psychic powers!”

The UCLA researchers have yet to consider whether to test the vegetarians for other psychic, like pyro-kinesis, the ability to start fires with the mind, and hydro-kinesis, the ability mentally control water.

“Who knows what kinds of super powers vegetarians possess,” said Carver. “Heck, maybe they can fly!”