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ARCTIC FENCE COLLAPSES


NUNAVUT — The Arctic Fence that protects North America from frigid temperatures and brutal winds has collapsed!

Arctic meteorologists have released a report that explains the record-breaking snowfall and below average temperatures experienced all along the Eastern seaboard this winter. The Arctic Fence, which once protected the cold weather and held it in its place, is gone.

Dr. Madeleine Akumalik, who led the study, explained.

“We’re shocked, really. We went out to check on the fence, which is a translucent geothermal wall. It basically retains the cold weather and keeps it in the north. Our fears were verified by the satellite imagery. Last winter, we could see the Arctic Fence from space. This year, there isn’t even a shadow or a crack where it used to be. The only explanation is that it has collapsed into the Arctic Ocean.”

Dr. Akumalik continued, “We knew it was warmer, but we didn’t know it would be warmer forever. Our whole way of life has to change. No more ice fishing, no more ice trucking, no more polar bear hunting.”

 

The report is sending shock waves throughout North America.

According to The Nunavut News, the Arctic Fence typically keeps the extremely cold air in places like northeastern Canada and Greenland. But scientists have determined that this “weather wall” lost its strength in early December and sent a winter’s worth of bone-chilling temperatures directly south.

In the mean time, warmer temperatures have pushed north. Throughout the Canadian Territories, and even north of the Arctic Circle, temperatures in December ran at least 20 degrees above normal. Ice fishing and trade routes have been seriously disrupted.   Eskimos are losing their igloos at an alarming rate!

In Iqaluit, the capital of Nunavut, the annual  snowmobile parade had to be canceled. The locals are organizing and demanding action.

“We want our snow back!” cried Elisapie Aragutak during a demonstration in Iqaluit. “We need it! We depend on it! It’s not fair, America doesn’t even want the snow! We need the snow and the ice and the wind! Give it back!”

When asked for an explanation, Dr. Akumalik, one of the leading meteorologists in the Nunavut territory, further detailed this new weather reality.

“Ice reflects sunlight. We know that the Arctic has been losing ice for years. There is less ice so the Arctic Ocean is absorbing more heat in the summer. We’ve been getting stuck with warmer air.”

“This winter, our Canadian buffer zone, the protective layer known as the Arctic Fence, finally gave way and released all of the cold air behind its wall. This means it’s snowing in Boston and sunny on the Hudson Bay. It’s a drastic change for the territories, and for southern Canada and the States too. Nobody likes it. Especially not the polar bears.”

Does this mean Americans will all freeze to death?  Maybe… just maybe.