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NEW LOUGHNER PHOTO


TUCSON — The FBI has released a new official photo of Tucson shooter Jared Lee Loughner.

In a press conference at police headquarters, Pima County Police Chief Dale Stewart revealed the new photo on a large screen. “As you can see, the suspect’s original mugshot no longer matches his actual appearance.”

When asked about the reason for Loughner’s change in appearance, Special Agent Antonio Guzman explained. “It’s no surprise. Things happen to criminals in jail. Mr. Loughner committed a vicious, heinous act for which he will be prosecuted. I imagine he will ultimately face a judge and a jury. And I anticipate they will dole out a punishment to the fullest extent of the law. So in the realm of his debt to society, he will pay for his crimes. In the realm of the prison cell, he has already started to pay.”

Reporters were eager for details regarding the dramatic change in Loughner’s face. They were especially curious about the adjustment of his eyes, which no longer align. Chief Stewart offered little information. “I won’t release any names or specifics of the incidents. But let’s just say he’s no longer wearing that red thong.”

Stewart added that Loughner was treated in the jail’s clinic. A nurse, who treated Loughner for severe bruising and open wounds, confirmed that the suspect required lacerations and refused pain medication. “I was sewing him up and he just kept yelling, ‘I plead the fifth! I plead the fifth!'”

Guzman added, “But the bastard is still smiling if you can believe that. He’s a savage and he’s just starting to get what he deserves.”

Loughner went on a shooting spree in Tucson last Saturday. He is accused of killing six and wounding thirteen including Representative Gabrielle Giffords, the primary target in what is being called an assassination attempt.