GOOSE GASSING

NEW YORK – To celebrate the two year anniversary of the “Miracle on the Hudson,” New York City officials gassed a flock of Canada Geese.

A NYC Parks Department representative confirmed the goose slaughter.  An official statement was released detailing the decision for the mass gassing.

“In honor of the heroic acts of January 15th, 2009, the city put down 2,000 Canada Geese this morning at a facility on Staten Island. The geese suffered no pain.  On-site veterinarians oversaw the gentle gassing of each goose.  Geese were served a final meal of grass, wheat, and corn, along with the garbage from the Olive Garden on Gateway Drive in Brooklyn. Many thanks to Manager Jim O’Leahy for making the drop-off.”

In a one-on-one interview at the Queens College Lab of Ornithology in East Elmhurst, Dr. Barbara Montemoyer explained the rational fear of Canada Geese.

“By nature, Canada geese are noisy and confrontational. Their droppings are large and carry enough bacteria to seriously sicken a young child or compromised person over 75. They have always been considered an enemy of the human race. But I must say that man’s disdain for the giant birds increased significantly when they started gathering at JFK and LaGuardia airports. The Miracle on the Hudson capitalized on that sentiment and produced an outpouring of hatred for Canada Geese.  And let me tell you, it hasn’t exactly hurt our endowment.”

Anti-bird activists at “Fly Away!” claim that the widespread Canada Geese migration to bodies of water in large cities is part of a grander bird conspiracy to remove humans from the sky.

It appears their scheme may be working.  Pilot Chesley Sullenberger, who safely landed Flight 1549 on the icy Hudson after his plane suffered an engine-disabling bird strike, has retired his wings. He promised, “I will never fly again, not after what those birds did to me. They’re organized. They’re smart. And they’ll go anywhere. It’s trains and buses for me from here on out.  Anyone who flies in this hostile environment is suicidal.”